Humor
We, the Supreme Court, See Nothing in the Constitution Prohibiting the Purge
Don’t worry, we’ll totally stop the government from quartering troops in your house
“Alito rains down fury on Roe, claiming in high originalist dudgeon that it found a right to privacy over health-care decisions that was entirely made up, unenumerated by the Constitution. If the Constitution was silent on abortion, he argues, that was because it conferred no right to have one.”
From “Originalists are misreading the Constitution’s silence on abortion” in the Washington Post.
We understand your state has decided to establish an annual event in which all crime is temporarily legal and emergency services are suspended. We, the Supreme Court, see nothing in the Constitution prohibiting this so-called “Purge.”
You might think the list of individual rights set forth in the Constitution isn’t all-encompassing, especially since that’s exactly what the Ninth Amendment says. Nope. Your Constitutional rights are strictly limited to those specifically spelled out in the document itself and — for better or for worse — the Constitution is silent about the Purge.
Because there is no Constitutional right to remain Purge-free, each state can decide its own Purge policy. Maybe California goes pro-Purge while Alaska is anti-Purge. That’s cool with us. Or maybe New York institutes a Purge limited to Red Sox fans and anyone who has ever worn a Tom Brady jersey, while Massachusetts retaliates by Purging Yankees supporters and people who don’t use “wicked” as an adverb. Also fine under the Constitution!
Perhaps you’re thinking, “wait . . . are you saying the job of a Supreme Court justice is literally just to determine whether a particular word appears in the Constitution?”
Yep! We have the world’s easiest job: our sole function is to figure out what words appear in a document people could read for themselves in half an hour. Think of us as a robe-wearing version of that annoying wispy-mustached waiter who insists on describing the nightly specials in a ponderous monotone, even though they’re all listed on a menu insert. Well, except unlike the waiter, we have lifetime job security and make more than $250,000 per year. No wonder we all “work” into our 80s!
Frankly, modern technology has made our job even easier. In the past, if a Purge case had come before the Supreme Court, we would have retreated to a somber, oak-paneled library, donned our fashionable reading glasses, freshened up our mint juleps, then pored through the entire Constitution to see whether the Founders specifically said anything about instituting a 12-hour period of pure anarchy during which even the most horrific mass murder is permitted. With the benefit of a computer search function, though, we just hit Ctrl + F, typed in “Purge,” and were like, “nope, not in there. Hold our calls; we’ve got a tee time!”
Before you start thinking we aren’t serious about protecting your rights, let us assure you that we take your rights very seriously, provided those rights are explicitly identified in the Constitution. Say, for example, a tricorn-hat-wearing general attempts to quarter his troops in your home. Nice try, generalissimo, but we’re not about to let that blatant Third Amendment violation slip by! Or maybe Congress tries to pass a law prohibiting you from politely requesting that your state government stop the violent Purging of your Yankee-loving friends and family. Sorry, Congress, but the First Amendment allows governmental petitions!
Yes, to be clear, we won’t stop the Purge, but we will vehemently defend your right to complain that your loved ones were viciously massacred in the Purge. You can thank us later.
Speaking of the Purge, we can’t help but notice that you’re still here reading, instead of barricading yourself inside your house with an enormous cache of military-grade weaponry to defend yourself against the pending, Constitutionally-permissible invasion of your home by heavily-armed masked marauders. We suggest you hurry home to your titanium-walled safe room — or at least remove that Yankees cap.
As for us, we’ve got a tee time.
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