Humor
We’re Making Big Upgrades to Our One-Star-Rated Airbnb!
We’ve Read the Reviews & Changes Have Checked In
To our past and future Airbnb guests:
We are posting this note today to say that we have read your reviews and boy do we hear you loud and clear. First though, a bit of a disclaimer/explanation. We are huge hockey fans and in hockey, being the first star of the game means you’re the best. So, this entire time we have seen the steady one-star rating for our “urban romantic hideaway” and assumed we were killing it. We never even looked at the comments because if it ain’t broke, right? Well, last month Carol must have been bored because she clicked on the actual reviews and it didn’t take us long to figure out that the Airbnb star system was very different than hockey’s. That’s on us. Send us to the penalty box. Ha-ha. Okay, so let’s get to the good stuff. We’re excited to share just some of the amazing improvements we have made in response to your very pointed feedback. Let’s check out the upgrades:
· Start your day with a cup of coffee brewed in a unit-dedicated size-appropriate Mr. Coffee machine. We will no longer be “borrowing” the giant urn from the basement of the nearby church that has all those sad looking evening meetings (but, in defense of our past practice, who needs that much coffee at night?)
· No more cameras! As it turns out, one owner’s “security surveillance” is another person’s “gross invasion of privacy.”
· Regarding beloved neighborhood fixture Loud Carl. We have asked and provided weekly 40 ounces of incentive for him to relocate further down the block.
· The dead thing floating in the “backyard oasis” fountain has been removed.
· Regarding the fountain, we strongly recommend not turning it on until we determine the cause of the water discoloration and unusual viscosity when operational. Nobody wants to see a cherub spitting that out its mouth.
· The bathroom hanging beads have been replaced by an actual door. Sue us for trying for a retro vibe. (Please don’t actually sue us though).
· Busted! There will be no more separating the 4-ply bathroom tissue into 2-plys as a means of cutting costs (which we then passed along, in part, to you btw).
· Though we remain conscious of our carbon footprint, in response to overwhelming feedback, we will now launder the fitted bed sheet in addition to the other bedding between guest bookings.
· We removed the overly sensitive motion detector safety light in the bathroom which was apparently triggered by the retro beads swaying when blown by the oscillating fan. We apologize for the apparently numerous scares and sleepless nights.
· We have posted updated photos of the property even though we strongly take issue with several reviews suggesting previous images failed to show a true sense of the setting. Sorry FlyGAL91, TravelinGrandma and ChurchDeacon but police tape isn’t “always” nearby.
· We thought the shower dispenser containing shampoo and body wash would be a nice amenity. Past guest comments and a subsequent DNA test confirm that we overestimated the civility of at least two past visitors. The shower caddy has been removed and destroyed.
· In response to guest complaints about noise from local establishments including the liquor store, billiard hall, and the region’s largest and most popular outdoor polka venue, we have purchased a noise machine for the master bedroom. In order to keep our rates low, we opted for an inexpensive one made in China that we found on Amazon. Now our visitors can select from several noise-masking options including: “baby child is distressed,” “lumber man engaged in honorable labor,” “babbling brook of potable river water” and “anguish.”
So, give us another (or first) chance and, if you like what you see and experience, please give us a higher than one-star review. If you don’t, please just don’t bother to rate at all. It turns out the folks at Airbnb eventually notice these things Coffee, clean and cheap. Now that’s what we call a hat trick! See you all soon (Not literally. The cameras are really gone).
— Your Friends and Hosts, Carol & John
