Humor
What I Said Vs What I Meant When I Called Out Sick
Mental Health Day = Today is Tuesday. I’ve endured enough Tuesdays
What I Said: Under The Weather
What I Meant: I awoke to the sound of raindrops. I presume this to be a message from God, commanding me to slow down. I’m a human being, not a human doing! I must sip tea on my balcony — I must feel the rain on my skin — I won’t make it to the office today.
What I Said: I Am Sick
What I Meant: I binged Downton Abbey in bed yesterday and oh, how my body aches this morning! I must recover from my muscle atrophy before coming back to work.
What I Said: A Family Member Is Close To Death
What I Meant: Matthew Crawley, Downton Abbey’s leading man, will die at the end of season 3. I must mentally prepare myself for this loss, so I won’t be able to come into the office today.
What I Said: A Death In The Family
What I Meant: I’m still binging Downton Abbey and the memory of Lady Sybil’s death remains incredibly tragic! My face swells from grieving alongside the Crawley family, so I need to take the day off to recuperate emotionally.
What I Said: I Don’t Feel Well
What I Meant: I was enjoying a deep slumber until my alarm startled me into choking on my early morning spittle. I’ve been coughing non-stop for six minutes now, so I actually probably have the flu. In the interest of public health, I will confine myself at home until my symptoms alleviate.
What I Said: Emergency Podiatry Appointment
What I Meant: A reliable pedicurist is hard to find. It’s not my fault their only availability is 10 o’clock this morning.
What I Said: Critically Injured
What I Meant: I overdosed on marijuana cookies and hallucinated for 16 hours. Upon hour 17, I registered that my bladder was on the brink of bursting—on my way to the bathroom, I lost balance and sprained my ankle. I may or may not have pissed all over myself. Being both physically and emotionally wounded, I will be out for the rest of the week.
What I Said: Mental Health Day
What I Meant: Today is Tuesday. I’ve endured enough Tuesdays. It is a pointless workday. Nothing ever gets done on a Tuesday, so I will be day-drinking $7 Mai Tais at my neighborhood Tiki bar. See you tomorrow.
What I Said: Period Problems
What I Meant: Birth control terminated my period, but did you know Spain grants three days of paid menstruation leave every month? The U.S. should adopt this policy and I will graciously serve as the country’s guinea pig.
What I Said: I Can’t Believe I Got Sick Again!
What I Meant: Umm, I booked a non-refundable beach house. Fuck you for declining my vacation request.
