Humor

What Republicans Think I’ll Buy with My Student Loan Forgiveness Money

It’s not food or housing

Licensed from Shutterstock Images

“The White House on Friday pushed back against some Republican senators who expressed outrage at President Joe Biden’s new student loan relief program.” — Newsweek, July 22, 2023

1. Solar-powered dildo made from quinoa husks.
2. Vacation in a furry-only hotel with choice of private or shared litter box.
3. Ketamine therapy/spa/orgy.
4. Weapons for the War on Christmas.
5. Neck tattoo of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez beating an American flag with a crucifix.
6. Membership in Gwyneth Paltrow’s “vagina gym.”
7. Fetus vaccine that spreads Critical Race Theory in utero.
8. Decorations for an adult gender-reveal party.
9. Kombucha shopping spree.
10. Lavender oil for my homemade beard wax.
11. Copies of Hillary Clinton’s biography for my thruples-only book club.
12. Seed capital for chain of drag queen abortion clinics.
13. Leon Trotsky bobblehead doll for my collection of Communist statuettes.
14. Yarn for hand-crocheted rainbow unitards.
15. Laboratory for Antifa scientists to aerosolize “woke mind virus.”
16. Sequins to bedazzle costumes for my TikTok influencer cat, Ru Paw.