Humor
Workouts to Get You Looking Like Your Hottest Animal
Unleash the Beast
Bees Knees
Slather them knockers in local honey. High step through the nearest meadow. Collect bees as you go. If you get stung, that counts as one rep.
Triceratop Extensions
You gotta know where to dig for this exercise. Once you sift through the layers of sediment, start to separate the pieces. You wanna extend that triceratops fully until it resembles a tyrannosaurus rex. They will come for you, the paleontologists. They will devastatingly tear your work apart. This will prime your muscles for growth.
Butterflies
Construct a cocoon around yourself using twigs and leaves. Use mud to hold the structure together. Stay in there until you lose significant weight. Attempt to break free. This will strain your already fatigued body. You will be unrecognizable upon release. That’s true musculoskeletal transformation.
Sea Lurchins
Climb into a tide pool and grow prickly stabbies. “How’s that a workout?” you say. Have you ever grown a baby in you? Now that’s a workout. Growing anything takes a shit load of effort. Grow one single spindle. I dare you. Exhausted? Energy expenditure’s a bitch. Keep talkin’ that way, and your urchin for a beating.
Calf Press
Some heifers will give birth anywhere. Position yourself below the birthing canal with your arms outstretched. Once the calf is delivered, you will attempt to keep it from crushing your face. This is also known as a skull crusher, another popular exercise. Any placenta you consume will undoubtedly improve your fortitude.
Calf Raises
Naturally bonded to the calf you caught, it will be your responsibility to attend to its needs until it’s old enough to fly the coop. Should it try to milk your man boobs consider this an indictment upon your shape. The shame will surely incentivize you to continue your exercise program.
Lateral Raise
You did such a good job raising that baby cow that the whole neighborhood is interested in your tips and tricks. Start a blog detailing your methods. Tour the country and sign autographs. Some of the nicer hotels you stay in will have adequate fitness equipment. Avoid at all costs. It will only make you hotel shaped.
Romanian Deadlift
Not an animal per se, Romanians are nonetheless formidable creatures. It’s not true, however, that their bones are heavier than other people’s. That’s a myth. However, one has to wonder how their coroners got so muscular. Plan a trip to Romania to find out. Just don’t tell them I sent you.
