Humor

You Got the Promotion! Now Please Fill Out These Forms

Now the actual work starts

Congratulations! You earned that promotion fair and square. Don’t second guess yourself. Not even a little just because you might not deserve this success.

Now onto the real work. I mean paperwork.

When you applied, you created a user name and password with letters from an alphabet not available on your keyboard. You set up the triple authorization on your phone and email and your ex-boyfriend’s phone. Don’t lose that password! You’ll have to update it every three days to avoid losing your success.

You shouldn’t need more than five days of vacation time to complete the remaining paperwork. Your spouse should also take the week off because “company = family”, yeah?

The next step is to fill out the attached, un-fillable forms. Please download and print the electronic documents. To keep up with our organization’s image, we’d like you to have the documents bound in a hardcover book. Here’s the link. If the link to the binding company doesn’t work, please take a class to learn how to bind books with recycled boxes from Amazon (where we know you pretend you don’t shop).

Please answer this question on the eighth page that reads, “This Page is Blank.” Did you enjoy watching Ted Lasso? Type, “Q” for “Yes” or “12” for “No.” We don’t trust people who didn’t enjoy Ted Lasso. You will be immediately disqualified from your success if you answer, “12.”

Next, upload a copy of a signed W9, social security card and a tire print from the car your parents brought you home from the hospital in. We can never be too sure about who we are promoting these days. I mean, we remember your face thinner and your clothes less pajama. Was that really you on those Zoom calls during the pandemic?

Next, please unbind the signed papers, upload them for purification in the interwebs and print them out again. You’ll find our fax number on our MySpace page. Fax the documents to us in 1984.

To confirm that the papers arrived to our fax machine on a day when we have recently refilled the paper drawer, please call Dawn. The number only works when called from a landline on Sunday mornings.

We know. You applied for this in-person position and you want a break from your spouse’s home office with the printer.

Wait, you broke the printer? You broke your spouse? Please unplug and plug them back in and then call Dawn. She has just the right paperwork for this problem.

Congratulations again on your success!