Humor
You Want To See An Actual Doctor?
Oh, you’re VERY funny!
I understand you’re having a problem — that your head hurts, back hurts, and one of your toes appears to have fallen off. Unfortunately, the only appointment I have available is for next June, the seventeenth, at 6AM.
Oh, wait! That just got taken!
Yes, I understand it’s an emergency. Have you considered going to the emergency room? I’ve heard the wait there is down to eighteen hours and that even though they definitely won’t have the specialist you need, they will give you an IV, a rather uncomfortable blanket, and some apple juice before telling you you’re fine, forcing you out the door, and sending you a bill for $34,000.
You could also consider the walk-in clinic. Many of them are staffed with some excellent people who, although not quite doctors, can still prescribe medicine, and I’ve heard they get it right at least 25% of the time. There’s a heavier copay, of course, and you run the risk of contracting various other diseases from the hordes of people in the waiting room who also can’t find a real doctor, but at least there’s a TV there blasting local news on a loop every twelve minutes so you can find out about all the clambakes and road closures in your neighborhood. You’ll also have plenty of time to read a book — if you can ignore the TV — and if it’s a medical book, maybe you can figure out what’s wrong with you. Or maybe you can seize on the opportunity to get to know friendly strangers who are in your same hopeless position — if you can get them to stop scrolling on TikTok, of course. Sometimes they can offer some helpful home remedies for whatever serious disease is slowly killing you.
As far as other options available to you: Have you considered some of the pseudo-doctors in your area, like your local witch doctor or Voodoo practitioner? Maybe a spiritual healer from the church or a friend who, though not a doctor, reads WebMD a lot? In fact, have you tried consulting the internet yourself to see if maybe you can be your own doctor? Sometimes there’s very helpful advice on there and you’ll find that you might be able to either solve or at least ameliorate your problem by using some of the expired medicines you’ve had stored in your cabinet since 1998.
Yes, that was a serious suggestion. Please don’t be hostile. I’m only trying to help. And, yes, again, I know it’s an emergency. But this is just the call center, and so there’s nothing I can do to fit you in. And yes, I feel your frustration.
Yes, I know you can’t see anything. I’m truly sorry to hear it and am trying to help. Do you want that 2025 appointment I mentioned earlier? You can take it now and always call back to see if there are any cancellations.
No, there’s no direct line to reach me or anyone useful, I’m sorry to say. And I’m sorry that you were waiting over an hour just to get to talk to a person, as you put it. I really do want to get you an appointment.
How about you give me your name, phone number, home address, social security information, credit card numbers, and tax records, this way I can put you in our system in case anything opens up? Also, maybe in the half an hour it takes to answer all of my questions, we’ll get lucky and you’ll get something for later this year. And there’s actually a very good chance you’ll live till then and finally get in to see somebody.
But not a doctor, of course.
