HUMOR
Your Beautiful New York Apartment Awaits
New York: A tiny patch of land at the farthest edge of Staten Island
This spacious, 7x7 one-bedroom apartment is perfect for a newly-engaged couple’s starter marriage.
Amenities
• Lots of natural light through a single glory hole.
• Lucite floors.
• On-site electricity.
• Vintage outhouse.
• Pet-friendly: We welcome dogs of up to 5.75 lbs that have had their vocal cords surgically removed. Pets must submit to an interview without the presence of their owner.
• Just steps away from an adorable bodega that fulfills all your grocery needs: Velveeta Shells & Cheese, New York Lottery Tickets, and Pillsbury frosting — three flavors! (Sorry, no cake mix available at this time.)
• Running water (fire hydrant) available just two blocks away.
Will not last! Apply today.*
*Background check required at applicant’s expense. Must earn 350x monthly rent annually. Lease states that the owner may throw prohibition-themed parties in the renter’s unit without notice. The renter may attend ONLY in gangster or flapper apparel. Applicants with credit scores below 849 will not be considered. In addition to a 6-month rent security deposit, the applicant must write a 1,000-word essay addressing the following topic: My body is a temple, and so is my apartment.
