Humor
Your New Health Insurance Plan Doesn’t Cover Anything, But It’s Still Awesome!
It’s the most capitalist-friendly plan ever!
Welcome to your new health insurance plan! To help you make the most of your awesome new plan, we’re providing the following answers to frequently asked questions.
If your question isn’t on this list, you can try calling us, but fair warning — we’ll just keep you on hold until you give up, and our background music is 100% Yanni.
Q: Does my new health insurance plan cover —
A: We’re just going to stop you there. The answer is no. Your new plan is awesome, though! Next question.
Q: I didn’t finish my question. It was whether my plan covers —
A: It doesn’t. Despite some rather excellent window-dressing, the bottom line is that your awesome new health insurance plan covers nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
Q: But your website says the plan includes coinsurance! Doesn’t that mean you cover part of my medical costs?
A: “Coinsurance” sure sounds like we share the costs, doesn’t it? Look closer, though — you have 100% co-insurance! That means you pay for everything!
You may soon see other industries copying this brilliant cost-saving device. For instance, you may hear over an airplane’s intercom, “I’m Brad, and I’m your 100% co-pilot.”
Actually, Spirit Airlines is probably already doing this.
Q: The plan’s paperwork says that you cover visits to an in-network doctor, though, right?
A: Yes, but only after you cover the coinsurance, copay, and deductible. Also, you are responsible for shipping and handling.
Q: Shipping and handling?
A: You’ve got to get yourself to Alaska somehow, and your awesome new insurance plan doesn’t cover travel costs.
Q: Alaska? I live in New York!
A: To lower our costs, we slightly reduced the size of our network. Currently, the network consists only of doctors located in Alaska.
Well, except for customers living in Alaska. We offer Alaskans a choice of wonderful physicians based in Hawaii.
Q: You’re saying the only way to get a checkup covered is by traveling to Alaska?
A: Yes, but before you book your flight, you should know we no longer have doctors in Anchorage, Juneau or Fairbanks. We’re also busy canceling network status for doctors in every other Alaska location with commercial air service and/or highway access.
Within the next month or two, visiting an in-network doctor will require the use of a private amphibious aircraft or a dog sled team. Good news, though: surveys show most people think the Iditarod is awesome. Just like your new insurance plan!
Q: If my insurance doesn’t pay for anything, what good is it? How can you possibly say it’s “awesome”?
A: We did pay for something! Didn’t you see that pen we gave you to sign the paperwork?
We spent thirteen cents on you, and our goal is to never pay for anything else related to you, ever. Your new insurance is still awesome, because it allows you to avoid the embarrassment of telling people that you’re uninsured. Ugh — what a buzzkill!
Q: Is avoiding costs the only thing you care about?
A: Of course not! We also care about charging high premiums. And, fair notice, we plan to jack yours by 15% next year. More, if our lobbyists can get a few laws changed!
Q: Why don’t you care about my health?
A: Is that a trick question? We’re a corporation. Profit-making is our sole purpose. If you wanted a different healthcare system, you’d be a socialist. You’re not a socialist, right?
That’s what we thought! So, congratulations, you can brag to your friends that you have the most capitalist-friendly health insurance plan on the market! Another reason your new plan is awesome!
Q: How can you live with yourselves knowing your own loved ones are on this terrible health insurance plan?
God, we’d never use this plan ourselves. We’re Canadian.
