Humor

You’re Going to Either Love Me or Kill Me, and I’m Fine With This

The Naked Assassin — Part 6

When I woke up I was in a trash can outside the dog track, and Johnny was helping me up.

“Children. Children. What are you doing in a trash can?”

My head felt like a watermelon after a bachelor party.

“Johnny, what am I doing here?”

“I do not know. I came in to open up and found you passed out in the garbage. I thought that you were dead. What is going on?”

“Oh, I just upset the wrong people. You know. Nothing unusual.”

Johnny brushed off my lapel, and straightened my tie.

“It is quite a business that you are in...But there is good news. Your dog won. I told you that Purple Cow was a sure thing.”

This was good news, but also bad news. I had enough trouble without dogs back in my life. I figured that Johnny was going to try to hook me for another bet. I wasn’t wrong.

“Would you like to let it roll? I have another tip on a dog in the 8th.”

“No, no, I can’t get all involved in dogs again.”

“Are you sure? The dog is 50 to 1, and a sure thing.”

I was tempted, but I fought it off.

“No, just bring my money to the office, I gotta go.”

“O.K., but are you 100% sure-”

I put my hands over my ears, and ran.

“Yes. Blah, blah, blah, blah! I’m not listening, bye!”

My head was throbbing. I stopped at the office to get an aspirin, and then went to see Bobby again over at Records.

He was very excited about his blazer.

“Children! Check out this blazer! It had a stain, but I tell you, my dry cleaner is a magician!”

“It looks great, Bobby. . .Think I could take a look at the files on the Ganoosh jewelry heist and murder?”

“For you Children, anything. Did I mention that he also steams curtains? My place never looked so good.”

Bobby brought out a few boxes. There wasn’t much that seemed helpful at first, and then I noticed it in the corner of one of the heist scene photos.

I knew who sent the card.

What I didn’t know was whether Barbara Ganoosh was planning to kill me. I figured I’d take a risk.

I called Ganoosh. She was surprised to hear from me so soon.

“Oh, Mr. Thomas. . .”

“Children.”

“Of course, sorry…Oh, Children, I am surprised to hear from you so soon.”

“I figured out where to get your photos.”

“Oh my goodness. That is, that is, wonderful!”

She started tearing up like a game show contestant.

“You don’t, you don’t know how much this means to me. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”

I was glad she was happy, but this was a little over the top. I tried to get her to pump the brakes.

“It’s just a hundred dollars a day plus expenses. Why don’t you come by the office, and I’ll give you the details.”

“O.K, I’ll have something special for you, as well.”

I really didn’t like that “something special” comment.

I hung up with Ganoosh, and went to get a snack. Then I headed to the office. It had been a long couple of days.

When I got to the office, my door was already open and the lights were off.

I walked in and shut the door behind me.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Mr. Thomas.”

“My name is Child-”

I clicked on the light, and there I saw Ganoosh sitting at my desk, naked.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked while tapping my commemorative World’s Fair letter opener.

“You’re naked.”

“I know. I told you that I’d have something special for you.”

She started to get up from behind the desk, moving towards me like a viper lost in a ball pit.

“Do you have my photos with you?”

“No, no, don’t get up.”

Ganoosh stopped and gave me look like a leopard about to debate a mailman.

“Do I make you nervous, Mr. Thomas?”

She absolutely did, but I tried to hide it.

“How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Children.”

(To Be Continued. . .)