How to support a grieving person
The first thing to know about grief — especially if you’ve never experienced it yourself — is that it doesn’t get better with time.
If anything, it gets worse.
As the initial shock fades, a grieving person is left trying to put the pieces of their broken life and heart back together.
And it’s true that life really does go on — all the challenges, struggles, and responsibilities of life before loss continue relentlessly. The world doesn’t care about their grief.
So a griever struggles on under the almost unbearable weight of grief and having to be a functioning human being at the same time. Putting on a brave face when all they want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
After the first three months or so, the supportive messages and calls dry up. Some people who you would expect to be there never get in touch at all.
The griever feels not only the huge hole bereavement has left in their soul but also abandoned by the ones they love.
The next thing to understand about grief is that it never goes away. It changes with time (or so I’ve heard), but you never “get over it.”
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. If someone you know is grieving, rest assured that they will be deep in their grief for at least the first year. And probably the second, too.
It’s hard to know what to say to a grieving person. There are no words that can make it better. But don’t say “call me if you need anything” — they almost definitely won’t.
And don’t ask them how they are, because they are not OK.
Instead, be with them in their grief. Hold space for them. Let them know it’s OK to cry, that their grief matters, that there’s no expectation for them to “get over it.” Sit with them in silence. Let them know you care — not just in the first few months, but one, five, and even twenty years later.
And if you can’t be with them physically, pick up your phone. It’s in your hand all the time anyway — even a quick message to let them know you’re still thinking of them can make a huge difference.
Grieving people feel alone. Let them know they’re not. If you care about them, make sure you show it.
Any words are better than no words.
