Grief Entrepreneur
I love to invent stuff and grief gives me quite the creative boost. All that thinking and theorizing, ya know? The whys and what-if’s? My biggest hurdle is lack of follow through. Even before my wife died, the list of crazy ideas grew long and dusty inside my note taking app. Like, what if we could put a filter in underwear that muffled both the noise and smell of farts? Or it would be cool if we could rewind the radio. Better yet, rewind actual conversations. You know, to remember someone’s name or mumble something a little less awkward?
Deciding to showcase some of my collection, I put together a brief description and marketing blurb for a few of them. I’d love some consumer feedback! If one of them takes off, maybe I’ll raise money with a sad kickstarter starring Tina Fey as me. My body isn’t summer-ready yet and frankly, I’m not doing this to get famous. In the meantime, let me know what you think of these ideas:
Sunglass Tear Blotters — Grief is sad! Avoid stranger pity stares by catching unexpected tears with our absorbent inserts. Resting just inside large dark sunglasses, these pads sit unobtrusively on your cheeks, leaving you high and dry. Especially handy for funerals, grocery stores playing the hits, and running into that random acquaintance who’s just hearing about your loss!
Aromatherapy Candles — Distill the comforting smell of your dead loved one’s unwashed clothes into a one-of-a-kind aroma! This patented technology sucks the molecules of sweat pheromones, combining them with essential oils to trigger your best memories. Now offering room sprays!
Shrine in a Box — Don’t have time or energy to shop? Our ready-made shrine comes complete with enough photo frames to display your top five memories, special crystals proven to increase grief dreams by 5% guaranteed, an incense burner, and your choice of glow in the dark Mary (Mother of God) statue or for atheists, a lotus flower (also glow in the dark). Just unpack and set it up (photos not included)!
Customized Ouija Board — Longing for answers to those lingering questions? Wondering if your loved one is sending you signs? Reach out and touch your someone now! Choose from preloaded phrases like, “Yes, that was me,” “Heaven will be better when you get here,” “Your butt looks good in those jeans,” “My phone password is _____” or make your own! Has your spouse been dead awhile? Get the dedicated griever version by Hallmark™ with reassurances like, “Did you change your name to Wifi, ’cause I’m feeling that connection!” “If I had a nickel every time I thought of you….uh, we don’t use money here,” and “Is that an angel over there or did my wife just die?”
WidowWearz Clothing Line — Tired of the same black t-shirt? This everyday wear is functional yet fashionable. Choose from leggings (with pockets!) that grow or shrink with your appetite. From meeting with attorneys to a quick jog down to the cemetery, we’ve got wrinkle free pants for every occasion. Choose colors that reflect your mood or how well you knew the deceased. New for 2020 — send our “heart bandaid” patterned boxers to harmlessly flirt with your favorite widower hottie!
Build-A-Spouse Body Pillows — Fill up your dreams by filling up that empty side of the bed! This amazing service stuffs your mate’s favorite shirt/pants combo creating the perfect lifelike substitute. Complete the look with customizable yarn hair. Purchase today and receive a free upgrade! As you’re tossing and turning at night, listen to the soothing voice of your partner’s last voicemail programmed into a squeezable insert! Caution, bodily fluids may stain as materials are not water resistant.
If these products actually existed, I’d be tempted to spend some of that life insurance money. I’d get a body pillow with a never ending smell insert. The more I think about it, I suspect it would not be my healthiest move. Where does it stop? I imagine myself ordering one of those reborn baby dolls customized with our Snapchat face swap pics so it looks like both of us.
I *am* rocking the widow look these days. Between sunglasses and a COVID-19 face mask, no one can tell I just lost my shit in the specialty cheese aisle as Adele croons from the grocery store’s overhead speakers. Hello from the other side….. I even considered sewing pockets to the inside of my leggings but got too tired. Ladies love a good pocket. Maybe I’ll fill out one of the credit card offers she still gets and fund my own company. Be on the lookout for the latest offering from Walsh Waterproofing. Us widows still got needs, ya know.
More at drlauralwalsh.com.
