You and Your Grieving Parts

Do you ever think about your…parts? No, not those parts, you mischievous little spark plug! I mean inside your mind — the parts that get weird ideas, warn against danger, are mean to you, and tell you to engage in late-night food rituals. That last part might just be me. Seriously though, I’ve been doing some research into the parts of my mind. The idea that our minds have “parts” is not a new idea. Like right now, a part of me wants to keep writing to you and another part just wants to nap. Oh the drama inside! There is one theory that explains this and it has intrigued me since grad school: Internal Family Systems.

INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS (IFS) THEORY

The IFS theory believes that the mind is made up of a number of sub-personalities or parts, each with their own set of beliefs, opinions, and responses, and that interact with each other. At the core is the Self, which has the ability to lead the parts but isn’t always up to the task. No single part is bad but like an orchestra, the parts can be in harmony or honk cacophonously like a flock of agitated geese.

Along with the core Self, IFS sorts the other parts into categories by function: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. Managers and Firefighters protect you from feeling the pain of the Exile parts. They have the same goals but use different strategies. Managers constrict and hold you back while Firefighters automatically react and let it rip.

MANAGERS

Manager parts proactively run the day to day operations of the system and are considered the most “acceptable” parts because they say very adult things and sound most like the core Self. They maintain balance within you through control. Managers parts are perfectionist, judgmental, self critical or people pleasing. They want to prevent humiliation and abandonment by keeping you busy, criticizing what you do, worrying, sabotaging connections, and generally being a control freak. They strongly believe in self sufficiency and are generally relentless, exacting, chastising and sometimes, anxious and depressed. They’re really good at giving you a false sense of security by telling you it’s doing it so you’ll look good to others. A typical Manager thought is, “You really should stop bothering people with your sob story.”

FIREFIGHTERS

Firefighters are your first responders. They automatically fly out the door to rescue you when something hits too close to home. They extinguish the fire of pain by smothering or creating a diversion. They attack “enemies” and get defensive in an effort to control or suffocate emotions. These are the parts that have anger issues, spending too much money, drink too much or use drugs, get obsessive or suicidal, self harm, or dissociate. They like to eat too much. binge watch TV and endlessly play video games for hours. They don’t give a crap about the goody-goody manager parts. Those weenies don’t know what it’s like to charge heroically into danger. Firefighters are really good at distracting you from upsetting, painful or overwhelming feelings. A typical Firefighter part thinks it’s better to rage than to show vulnerability — even in the privacy of your own head.

EXILES

As a psychologist, I get to see other people’s Exile parts more than the average person. I’ve developed such a knack for it that the Managers and Firefighters appear almost transparent. When I’m interacting with someone who’s leading with one of those parts, I can see through to the Exile it’s protecting. Just wish I could more reliably turn that super power on myself! Exiles are the younger parts that hold pain from the past. You compartmentalize and isolate them from the rest of the system for their safety and stability in the system. Because of their vulnerability, they also seem kind of dangerous. They’re the parts of you that are scared of being abandoned, get intimidated, experienced trauma, and feel a lot of shame. This is where the Big Four live — not good enough, too much, if you really knew me, and everyone leaves.

Exiles are desperate to tell their story but Managers pessimistically believe your pain is a burden to others. Firefighters flat out refuse to put you in danger of being hurt again. If a sad, little kid part of you revealed a disgusting longing for an authority figure’s approval during a job interview, a Firefighter part might change the subject while a Manager sabotages the rest of the meeting. Neo-exiles are the parts we hide within close relationships. Imagine a romantic partner or friend that gives you attention when you’re doing something nice but ignores your bids for reassurance. You’ll shut down the needy part of you to maintain the relationship. The message from that person you tell yourself is that only your good parts are acceptable.

THE CORE SELF

So far, we’ve been describing the orchestra — or if you’d prefer, the various departments of your business or the governmental branches of your personal nation. Let’s switch to the head of it all — the conductor, the CEO, the President, YOU. In the center of all of this is your core Self. It’s a beautiful place to be. It doesn’t need work because it’s already perfect. It spontaneously emerges when the air is clear and all is safe. It is the natural essence of who you are and is sheltered from damage or destruction by function of your parts.

You know you’re in your grounded center when you feel authentically chill. Some theories describe the Self by the 8 C’s:

• Compassion
• Calm
• Curious
• Connected
• Confident
• Courageous
• Creative
• Clarity

I know I’m in that place when nothing said or done can move me off my square. For instance, I am confident about my intelligence. If some bozo tried to lecture me about how I’m really a dummy, I might get a little irritated but he’s not going to shake my confidence. Now if the same bozo flicked some booger comment about something more vulnerable, that might temporarily knock me off-center. Note: my own managers and firefighters have censored me from revealing said vulnerability for my own protection.

WORST CASE SCENARIO

Your personal configuration and manifestation of parts was constructed to deal with your worst case scenario to date. Since we have different histories and experiences, each set of parts is like a fingerprint of the individual. While I’m currently working hard to lead with my core Self, recent events (i.e. the death of my wife) have thrown the system into a reorg process. All previous worst case scenarios were blown out of the water and my mind’s company is frantically looking for new hires in two main departments. I thought I’d give you a peek into the frenetic remodeling of my inner Self as the parts run around with their pants on fire.

Exile: [Can’t speak and just cries endlessly into the void.]

Firefighter: “Oh shit! Their wedding song started playing overhead at the grocery store!”

Manager: “It’s fine. Everything is fine. Close your ears, stop being a baby and don’t think about it.”

Exile: “But I can’t stop thinking!” [Stops responding as snot clogs up nose.]

Firefighter: “Leave the store! Leave your groceries where you are!”

Exile: [Blows nose, hides in deserted health food aisle.]

Manager: “Someone could have seen you out there. Now go check out and remember to smile at the clerk.”

Firefighter: “I think it’s a great time to call it a day and watch more episodes of Designing Women.”

These parts are obviously clueless as to what to do with this newly emerged and devastatingly sad grief Exile. She’s a little girl part of me that either pitifully weeps or gets hulk-smash rageful. She isn’t a new part; she’s come out of semi-retirement to hold my overwhelming grief. She believes that everyone will leave her and she’s left on her own to figure everything out. She thinks things like, “Why don’t people notice how sad I am???” She doesn’t know a Firefighter distracts her from feeling with a stupid magic trick while a Manager runs around pulling the curtains around her so no one sees. All the parts are trying to help but the animals are loose at the circus. Though the Exile doesn’t know it, she’s waiting for my core Self to step in and corral the monkeys. My Self knows what to do if I can only find and access it. Stepping from the shadows, my centered Self brings a soothing presence that stops the commotion and quiets the protectors. Here’s an example:

Manager: “You should shower and do a little cleaning. This place is a mess!”

Firefighter: “Honestly, I think eating a little cookie butter will make things better.”

Exile: “[Sobbing] Things are never going to get better! I don’t want them to get better!”

Firefighter: “I know! Let’s listen to Rage Against the Machine really loud in the kitchen!”

Manager: “Fine, don’t shower even though you stink. Don’t change clothes either. It’s not like anyone sees you anyway.”

Firefighter: “Uhhh, isn’t that friend coming over tonight?”

Manager: “Oh yeah! He’ll certainly notice those dishes that have been in the sink for 3 days. Just sayin’…”

Exile: “Oh no! [Hangs head in shame] People will find out how horribly disgusting I am because I haven’t run the dishwasher or broken down and recycled the Amazon boxes.”

Firefighter: “Just throw everything in the backyard!!!”

Manager: “Stack up all the piles neatly so it looks like you wanted them there on purpose.”

SELF: “Alright, let’s think about this. What if you broke down the boxes right now, put them outside, rinse the dishes, and filled the dishwasher all while listening to Rage Against the Machine?”

Manager: “That’s not enough but okay, fine.”

Firefighter: “Great ideas as always. I’m going to rest up for the next emergency.”

Exile: “Thank you for listening to me. I feel a little better and I think we can do this.”

SELF: “Great. Afterwards, everyone can take a break and zone out in front of the TV. Now put on that music and let’s get to work.”

WHO’S IN CHARGE?

As long as there’s no one in charge, your mind is a confusing and chaotic miasma of competing needs. Ideally, the Self steps up and takes over negotiation between the parts and directs the next steps. However, sometimes a part fills in the leadership role. You know you’re leading with a Manager when you feel buttoned up, intellectually sharp and emotionally numbed out. Leading with a Firefighter part feels like a continual state of irritability and agitation and keeps you ‘at the ready’ to react to danger. Exiles are rarely in charge because they’re really bad at it. They collapse the system and insist on activities like staying in bed all day.

WORKING WITH YOUR SYSTEM

As with most life problems, the first step is awareness. You’ve got to get to know your parts — their personalities, beliefs, and functions — before trying to intervene in their conflicts. Like I said before, there are no bad parts — just competing beliefs and strategies. A given part feels strongly that it’s right, sees it how it really is and knows the truth. Every thought or feeling originating from a part is trying to help you out, even if it doesn’t seem that way. The part of me that says no one wants to be around me is actually trying to protect me from rejection and abandonment. Unchallenged, that part will keep me from connecting to supportive people.

OBSERVING AND IDENTIFYING PARTS

It may be difficult to put your finger on and capture a particular part. When you’re ready, there’s a few ways to access them. Start by being curious and non-judgmental. Think of your centered self as just a researcher interested in data collection. Reassure yourself that nothing has to change as you’re presently in observation mode.

Take your emotional temperature by asking yourself how you feel right now. Ask to see what emotions are already present and how or where your body feels with that emotion. Observe those messages that are on repeat in your mind. Alternatively, you can access an upsetting memory from the past and examine it. Ask yourself, what exactly was upsetting about what happened? Did you feel afraid, sad, anxious, angry or something else? How did you react and what did you do? Did you rage, freeze, numb, avoid, or try to smooth it over? These questions will reveal clues to what was exiled and what managers and/or firefighters protected you. If at any time your brain says, “I don’t know,” consider that another protector part and explore accordingly.

STAYING CENTERED

Once you’ve got a handful of observations, pick out one voice and interview it. More than likely, you’ll be talking to a protector — probably a manager. Getting it talking by asking what it believes and it’s job in the system. Ask how old it is and what it looks like. A voice that says. “This isn’t fair,” may believe you get dumped on more than most and thinks the job is to protest on your behalf. It may show up as a finger wagging old man who suggests that something must be wrong with you because this keeps happening. What’s protective about this voice? What kind of Exile is it defending? Be gentle with digging down to the Exiled little kid part underneath. Kids are delicate and need protecting. If you find yourself continuing to have strong emotions or becoming reactive, you’ve likely run into another manager or firefighter. Interview and explore this part before moving deeper. We can’t access, validate and utilize the burdened exiles without honoring how the system set itself up to protect us.

Once you’re working with a particular part, another angle is to check back in with your calm and centered Self. What do you understand about the part? What do you think is going on? Can you find empathy and appreciation for the part? Even our nastiest parts work really hard on our behalf. A critical voice is mean but its heart is in the right place. An obsessive or addictive part is trying to soothe the system in the best and only ways it knows so far.

TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS

Getting to know your parts is the process of creating trusting relationships between them and the Self. This is the next step in the process of converting your protectors and split-off exiles into your allies. Think about how trust is built with other people: consistent interactions, listening to and honoring what’s said, believing their words are important — even when you don’t understand. That’s exactly how we build rapport with the different parts of ourselves. It may be scary or unpleasant to get close to your inner critic or the tightly-wound explosive rage but it’s a vital step. Like a good CEO or President, once your core Self begins to get everyone on board, it’s easier to know what to do when life throws you the next curveball.

I’ve got a story for you from back when my wife was still alive. I left to go grocery shopping but stopped in at the craft store to shop for just myself. This nagging little voice kept popping up but I successfully shoved it back down at the craft store. Entering the grocery store a short time later, I could no longer ignore a little girl voice on repeat: “She’s going to be mad at you!” Sighing, I got centered and engaged it. Here’s how the conversation went:

Little Girl: “She’s going to be mad at you!”

SELF: “Okay, well, we can handle that. Why will she be mad at me?”

Little Girl: “Because you took too much time at the craft store.”

SELF: “Why is that a big deal to you? What are you feeling?”

Little Girl: “I’m worried she’ll be mad and call you selfish because you took time for yourself.”

SELF: “Okay, well if that happens, I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to explain it to her. I don’t think she’ll actually be mad but if she is, I’ll be in charge. How does that sound?”

Little Girl: “I’m still worried but I’ll try it your way.”

SELF: “Great. Thank you for trusting me. No matter what, it will be okay.”

This is the actual transcription of me engaging with a worried part. For the record, it’s not grounded in current reality. Naturally, Patty would be concerned if I hadn’t returned from shopping if it had been a few hours but she wouldn’t be mad. I already had a relationship with this part — the Little Girl. She’s about 5 or 6 and feels too small and powerless to change things in the world. She’s used to being dismissed and pulls at my sleeve to warn me about all the monsters lurking in the shadows. She’s protected by another part — my rebellious teenager. If I’m not gentle with the Little Girl, the Rebel leaps to her defense and commandeer the entire system. The Rebel says things like, “Oh no, you fucking didn’t just do that! I’ll show you!” and promptly turns off all inhibition and motivation and steers us back to the craft store to buy $100 worth of crap. I’ve learned my lesson — listen to and trust the Little Girl, or else it’ll cost me.

YOUR PARTS IN GRIEF

I’m still getting to know and lead the parts of me as they grieve. As with outside life, my internal life was thrown into disarray after Patty died. I had all the parts nicely organized, productive, and had good working relationships with all. Death took my puny little shoebox diorama on the inside of my mind and… shook it up really hard. I was so proud of my hand painted little figurines, all precisely glued in their rightful places. A manager most assuredly came up with that idea. Now, there’s a part of me that just wants to toss the whole thing and another part that’s picking up each piece, crying over its brokenness.

All I can do is be patient with myself for now as I sort through the pieces in the shoebox. I tried throwing it out but it just reappeared. I’m working on getting the lay of the land. I’m doing my best to accept and soothe the broken parts — even as they overreact, judge me for not keeping things cleaner, numb out with cookie butter, and cry at the grocery store. We are trudging down the road right now but when I get to know everyone again, I’ll call a meeting and figure out what’s next.

Thanks for reading. More essays at drlauralwalsh.com.