The Difference Between Quitting and Letting Go
Some ideas on how to make a better decision the next time you’re wrestling that desire to quit.
When you want something, I mean really want it, you can see it, taste it, and experience it in your mind. So, you embark on the quest to achieve it.
At first, it’s all butterflies and bragging to the world. That fish you’re about to catch is the biggest anyone has ever seen. You wear the new cloak of achievement like a second skin.
But then the first setback hits. It’s uncomfortable. You wonder if you’ve even made any progress. Before you know it, you’re surrounding by work and only work. You’ve lost sight of the thing you really wanted.
It is easy to quit when you feel that first wave of discomfort and would rather protect yourself from it than work through it. When your focus is on the current tension instead of the long-term possibility, the common instinct is to alleviate the suffering, even if it is mild or fleeting. Quitting provides instant relief.
But proceed with caution. Because we have evolved to avoid threats, our lizard brain often creates incredible stories to alter our beliefs about what is worthy of our time. That instant relief from quitting can be so tempting you may convince yourself that what you want has low value and is not worth the discomfort.
For example, exercise is good for me and I know it. But after a stressful day at work, my lizard brain convinces me that there are too many steps. I have to change clothes, drive to the gym, decide what exercises to do, shower, then change back into street clothes before finally getting in my pajamas and my bed. The mental fatigue of all those decisions prevents me from completing a workout. My brain convinces me that it’s really not worth it.
And there is also the narrative regarding social expectations. You probably have a cultural script that emerges every time you put in extra hours to realize your career ambitions. When it manifests as the voice of your father applauding your diligence, it can provide a feeling of satisfaction. But when the voice is full of nagging expectation, it can create a painful cognitive dissonance. Are you pursuing what you want, or what other people want for you?
When contemplating whether you should give up, I recommend taking the time to identify what you were enamored with at the beginning of your quest. Was it the fish you wanted to catch or was it the picture of you catching it? A fish to feed your body or the story to feed your ego? In short, if you want something substantial and meaningful for you, keep going. If it’s for someone else, it’s time to reconsider.
Wow, this quest is exhausting. But you decide not to quit. You still want the big fish that means so much to you, even if the price is high. Bravo!
You plow ahead, building an identity of tenacity, relentlessness, and follow-through. You stick with the goal no matter what. Even when you find yourself hustling on autopilot with no progress. Maybe you’re still fighting for the sake of fighting, or simply protecting your reputation mindlessly at the expense of your own sanity. Or maybe you realize that what you wanted is outside your power or influence, like changing someone else or altering the laws of physics.
No one can fault your passion and work ethic. You are a powerhouse. But unfortunately, only human. I have learned to let go when I recognize exhaustion, numbness, or soul-killing sacrifice. When my inner dialogue shifts to poetic tragedy and I see myself army crawling in the weeds to prove my determination to an anonymous third party, I have achieved foolish martyrdom. This dull, sad routine is not helping anyone or anything.
Fortunately, you don’t always have to let go of the goal itself. Sometimes you just need to let go of a bad mental habit or a poor method of making progress. Is it possible you just need to pace yourself or stop taking everything so seriously? Take a moment to reflect on what is working, where you’re getting stuck, and where you need to do things differently. Then correct course.
Letting go requires that you first find your own voice and articulate your own opinions about what you want. That is the only way to know what you need to let go of. Letting go is about being honest with yourself and living with integrity. It’s about being self-aware and having the courage to forge your own path. This takes self-reflection, practice, patience, and humility.
In summary, quitting is about avoiding pain, but letting go is about recognizing the pain and doing what you need to do anyway. Be patient with yourself, because the real challenge is that you won’t always know the difference without hindsight.
The good news is that you can learn to do it better, then dust yourself off and get back in the driver’s seat, again and again, as often as necessary.
