Reviewing The 5 Love Languages — A Sharing of Love Language №2: Quality Time
Let’s face it. In today’s time-strapped world full of distractions and #FOMO, quality time for oneself is getting harder and harder to come by. So how does one go about speaking the love language of quality time with their loved ones and do the things they love together? We provide you some insights!
Picking up after words of affirmation, I strongly feel that the second Love Language, Quality Time is another crucial love language for better dating success. Good relationships are built on trust after all, and that trust can only come out of deeper bonding with your dating partner. And how is that strong bond created? Just by spending more quality time with them, of course! Quality time encourages sharing and listening in kind. It considers the vast differences in personality, communication preferences and preferences in pastimes. Love languages are spoken with the intent to overcome romantic hurdles after all. Thus, by speaking the language of Quality Time, one overcomes the obstacle of ambiguity and distance in the matters of the heart. I shall now analyze how Quality Time is best achieved in a multitude of ways.
Togetherness
Being together and feeling as one is an essential part of any relationship albeit a dating one. Proximity is achieved when couples provide closure to one another. Simply sitting next to each other does not promote togetherness. Preferably, the chapter stresses that friendship is an ambiance; a mood that dictates the strength and progression of a dating relationship.
In a way, I felt that the concept of togetherness when spending Quality Time ties into mindfulness, coming to think of it. Mindfulness focuses on being more present at the moment after all. Taking the Singaporean context into account and the abundance of couples here on the MRT who text each other on the phone whilst being in each other’s arms, I think it’s safe to say they were not displaying ‘Togetherness” at the moment they had with each other. Therefore, it is essential to savor those profound and intimate moments one enjoys in a dating relationship by fostering a sense of ‘togetherness’ and be present.
Quality Conversation
Reading through this chapter, I must say what struck my mind immediately was the Freudian concept of catharsis. Expounding on this further, catharsis is the therapeutic release of pent-up negative emotions to get rid of them. When extending this concept to the love realm, dating partners should resolve any issues they might have with one another or speak about what is on their mind with one another. Having an environment and situation where open communication is held to the highest priority helps to prolong a dating relationship in my opinion.
The situational example laid out in this chapter seems to pertain to marital issues. Patrick, a grieving man who is separated from his wife of seventeen years, seems to realize that his unwillingness to listen to his wife’s work problems is what created a rift between them. He seems to have given curt solutions where a loving and listening retinue would have been more appropriate. The passage provides a resonant piece of advice:
“Many of us…are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.”
Applying this to the dating realm, communication with the one you love is best nurtured with the intent to listen to them with an open heart and mind in my opinion. The passage further ventures on to provide some useful tips on how to master the art of Quality Conversation. I shall share them here with a slight slant towards dating rather than marriage:
1. Maintain eye contact when your date is talking: A wandering mind makes not the foundations of meaningful and in-depth conversation with your date.
2. Do not multitask when holding a conversation with your date: A nasty habit that many dating couples seem to adopt is to use their phone while speaking with one another. Put away these distractions. Switch your phone to silent and give your date your full attention.
3. Listen for feelings: From a young age, we are conditioned to believe feelings must take second place to facts and logic. Where the matters of the heart are concerned, one’s beliefs and the degree of importance allotted to them are paramount. Learn to listen for feelings and empathize with them.
4. Read body language: A lot is said with clenched fists, squinty eyes and trembling shoulders. The list of possible body language signals in a dating context is vast. Sometimes it is the things that are not said that matter more than the things that are. Clarify when in doubt.
5. Do not interrupt: It can be very tempting to interject or provide your opinion when your date offers a disagreeable viewpoint. Don’t. Hear them out instead. The basic tenet of understanding is listening. So seek to understand by trying to listen.
Personality Types
I connected with this part of the passage. Various personality types perceive and employ the concept of Quality Time in ways unique to them. I especially enjoyed the parallels drawn between a ‘Dead Sea’ and a ‘Babbling Brook.’ A ‘Dead Sea’ is the strong, silent type that listens more than they talk and the “Babbling Brook” tends to speak more than they listen. They are deduced to be complementary personality types as ‘Dead Seas’ listen to the ‘Babbling Brook’ and the ‘Babbling Brook’ likes to be treated as a center of attention and heard intently.
However, the passage does seem to warn the reader about how this could go wrong. In a dating context, a ‘Babbling Brook’ could realize that they never got to know the ‘Dead Sea’ at all beyond a certain degree and the ‘Dead Sea’ in return feels they may not have contributed as much to the relationship and that the ‘Babbling Brook’ did not make an effort to get to know them better. Ultimately, I feel these snags could be smoothed out through better conversation and are not entirely unsolvable. Thus, in this way, being open-minded and warm towards discussion is always good quality, regardless of the personality trait.
Quality Activities
I think it comes without saying that Quality time is most effectively fostered through the doing of Quality Activities. When people do the things they love together as a dating couple, they get to know each other better in the process. So, the best thing to do is to sit down and figure out what it is that you would like to do together. Would this be scuba-diving, rock-climbing or windsurfing? Having that mutual understanding is the key to better dating success!
Overall Impressions
In all, this was a pretty insightful chapter of the book. I think the most important takeaway from the whole section is deepening the connection that you have with your dating partner by allotting time to spend with them. A strong bond is vital after all and determines whether a dating relationship stands the test of time.
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