The Psychology of Matchmaking: Do Opposite Personalities Truly Attract?
Ever heard of the age-old phrase “opposite poles attract, like poles repel?”. The very concept applies to relationships too when you think about it. While having some similar ground over shared interests as a couple seems to be essential according to Psychology Today, it is not so uncommon for someone to be drawn to a person entirely unlike themselves too. After all, the unknown and unfamiliar excites us. If someone who was more of an introvert (prefers quiet Friday nights alone, loves reading) were to meet an extrovert (loves heart-pumping activities like mountaineering, alpine skiing, etc.), they could very easily be a match. Introverts sometimes secretly desire to be extroverts and upon meeting someone with an extroverted personality see an ideal version of themselves standing in front of them as a possible dating choice. Extroverts too, in spite of their active lifestyles, may be attracted to the romanticism of a more quiet personality and its behavioral attributes. This tends to manifest itself in the activities of the couple during the relationship with the extrovert wanting to try out quiet Friday nights of wine and tv with they’re introvert SO and the introvert wishing to brave the alpines despite their secret fear of heights. Love brings people together in the strangest ways.
How does psychological theory prove this one might ask? Interestingly enough, Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions seems to present itself as the most viable answer to this question. In a nutshell, every emotion and sentiment has a conflicting emotion and feeling that could be complementary elements of a cohesive relationship when combined (this could be on a friendly or in our case, a romantic level). When these emotions are added up in varying combinations, exciting results ensue. For example, a joyful person and a trusting person create sentiments of love. A serene person and an interested person develop feelings of optimism. Could these resulting sentiments be the catalyzing and even binding factor in a successful relationship? I feel they are in essence vital to creating an experience that is special and unique to the couple.
No matter how interesting what I’ve discussed might be … let’s face it. It’s all just hearsay and theory. When speaking about the human experience of love, it’s best to look at a real-life example. I bumped into my good friend Jessica* the other day who is in one such “polar-opposites” relationship and she had some interesting insights to offer me in the way of how she handles the adversity that comes with being in such a relationship as well as her more extensive views on matchmaking and the Singaporean dating scene in general:
Hi Jessica. So tell me more about your present relationship, how did you meet your SO?
I Met T at a previous workplace. It wasn’t “love at first sight,” but T was flirtatious and relentless. My boss introduced us to each other. I learned a lot about workflow processes from him during my time of employment. As time progressed, we both noticed that we shared similar interests but were opposites regarding personality. He is outgoing, decisive and hot-tempered whereas I am more introverted, sensitive and soft-hearted. Nevertheless, we were both attracted to one another in spite of our differences.
As this was my first relationship and his third, we faced many hurdles in reaching an equal plane of understanding. At the start of our relationship, we had several arguments which escalated into fights. However, over time, we both found ways to put our differences behind us and be more robust and united as a couple.
How do you keep your love going strong, do you do any activities together as a couple?
We enjoy movie date-nights out and endless hours of shopping together.
What were your expectations relationship-wise before entering your current relationship? How have they changed over time?
I did have many expectations of T, to begin with. A man should do A and B for his woman such as open the door for her, bring her flowers, etc. but he doesn’t do these things. I’ve come to realize that these are merely society’s views on what constitutes romantic gestures and are narrow-minded in many ways. A person can express love for their partner in a myriad of ways and not just through said gestures.
Are you aware of matchmaking and matchmaking agencies? If you are, explain what you understand about matchmaking.
Indeed, I am. Matchmaking is the art-form of linking up actively dating singles with one another in line with each other’s expectations and mindsets. Matchmaking agencies are the mediums through which this link-up happens.
What do you feel about dating in general here? Do you think that anything needs to be changed about dating in SG? What are some of the everyday struggles people face here while dating in your opinion?
I find some individuals here to be somewhat superficial when it comes to dating. What they say about themselves online or through other mediums tends to be very different from who they are IRL. I think people need to be more confident in their skin and be themselves more when it comes to navigating the dating scene. This could result in more genuine and lasting relationships.
Do you feel that matchmaking could play a pivotal role in SG dating scene? How so?
Yes, given people’s busy lifestyles here matchmaking is useful in helping people network and meet the person of their dreams.
Going forward, what advice would you like to give singles out there who are still looking for their soulmate? How could they stay motivated in their search?
Be the change you want to see in your dating and love life. You need to be caring about your partner and relationship but not to the point where it affects your social life. Balance is key.
I think the key takeaway from our conversation was that patience and understanding were necessary for the cultivation of a relationship between polar-opposites. In fact, the CEO of Grouvly, Lauryn Huang couldn’t disagree anymore:
“With regards to uniting people, sometimes perfectly compatible people turn each other away. Uniting people (in the initial stages) isn’t about finding compatibility; it’s about that chemistry that Hollywood has created in movies. Chemistry is hard to predict and not a good indication of the success of a relationship, but that’s what people want. We live in a time that prioritizes instant satisfaction, instant chemistry. “I don’t have anything to say. There’s nothing in common”.
These comments are only a reflection of one’s lack of effort in realizing the common thread that binds us all. I believe that our differences give us a good starting point for greater understanding about each other.”
So at your next romantic dinner date for two, dear reader, when you sense something different about your date try to understand their unique quirks and point of view. You’ll find that in doing so, that they make a good match after all and your vast differences could be a blessing in disguise. Funnily enough, it is not the first impression but the lasting impact that counts in the matters of love.
*Names have been changed for confidentiality purposes
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