Christian Parenting: First, We are Gospel Men and Women
I’m very excited about this opportunity to go on a journey with you for these next 4 short weeks. We’ll be discussing gospel-based parenting, what does it look like and how do we do it well.
I’ve been married for 15 years to the love of my life, Heather. She’s not here as we have 4 children: 16yo son, 13yo daughter, 7yo son and a 5yo daughter. I also recently started a parenting blog to help parents navigate technology in their homes and in their kids’ lives. Tech is fun but not always beneficial.
Over the years I have found that parenting is hard, very hard, but it is doable and is achievable at a satisfactory rate. What I mean is that parenting is not a one and done thing. You become a parent through a single action, getting a kid, but you’re not done being a parent. It’s a journey, it’s a marathon, it’s a life long endeavor. It’s impossible to be perfect at it since none of us are perfect. It is possible to make good progress, good decisions, and honor God with our parenting. This is what I hope we will discover over the next few weeks.
I’m glad you are all here, and I want to take a moment and share why I’m here.
Why is this so important?
The “family” as an institution is under attack. Your family. My family. We are under attack by an enemy we can’t see, but we can fight. Paul says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens.” (Ephesians 6:12 CSB). This is nothing new, it’s been like this since creation.
Where we’re at today is this unknown unseen attacker is focusing on and doubling down on our families. Divorce rates continue to be high, in both Christian and non-Christian families. Our culture is transitioning quickly to pure autonomous individualism. All of this flies straight into the face of what family is about. I’m not going to get on my soapbox, that’s not my goal here. Our goal here is to fight back against this enemy and to help you, help me, parent better, to improve our families, to raise children who fear God and seek Him and His glory daily. We can only do that with God’s help.
This is going to be hard. But we can’t give up. We can’t stop parenting because it’s hard.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
— Theodore Roosevelt
Let us not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up. — Galatians 6:9 CSB
It is so hard, how do we do it?
Clinging to Christ, holding fast to who he is and what he’s done for us. We have to remain in him. Jesus said, “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.” (John 15:7 CSB). This is a big calling on us, as Christians and followers of Christ, he calls us to ask whatever we want of him, however, we need to remain in him. This is a wonderful promise for us parents. I think we can all agree we have a lot of asks of God, especially as parents. As we remain in him, the Holy Spirit prompts us to ask Jesus for things that will ultimately glorify him and God.
I have found my faith in Christ has never been so tested as it has been being a parent. I have experienced anxiety, worry, stress beyond belief, lack of clarity, anger, lack of confidence, not knowing what I was doing, etc. Parenting is hard. If I didn’t have my relationship with Christ I would’ve given up, easily. There were times where I felt overwhelmed and thought how much easier life would be without kids or my family. That’s terrible to think, but be honest, who likes hard work?
Jesus helped me get through it and continues to today. He comforted me, gave me hope, wisdom, encouragement, confidence through his power, clarity, and direction. This is what he promises us, when we remain in him he’ll do what we ask. Not as a vending machine, but for God’s glory. God gets more glory when we parent according to his will and direction, and not according to ours.
We can’t forget we are Christian, first
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will find it. — Matthew 16:24–25 CSB
Our best bet as parents is to take up our cross and follow Christ. When we put God first, the rest of our life aligns into its place. We have to seek God first, through his Word. Christianity for us cannot simply be a Sunday thing, or Sunday and a small group during the week. Those are very good things but do not equate to a healthy relationship with God.
Our own health is important, more than that of our family’s, when it comes to spiritual health. Each one of us, to give our best to our family, need to take care of ourselves and our relationship with Christ. Our best bet as parents is to seek God first, seek him and his kingdom first in our lives. Nothing should come before God, not our spouse or children. We have to have a personal relationship with Christ with an understanding of what he did for us. We are fallen, terrible, wretched sinners and it’s only through Christ’s death and resurrection that we have freedom, that we can have a personal relationship with God. We have to keep this message of the Gospel in the front as we parent. When we lose sight of what God has done for us, we lose sight of what God has done for our children.
By focusing and aligning our hearts and minds with God first, he helps us, he blesses us, gives us peace, gives us patience.
Don’t worry about it
Let’s talk about one of the biggest challenge I think parents deal with: worry; anxiety. Parenting brings on a lot of worry and anxiety, even if you’re not an anxious person. We worry about our kids at daycare, with the nanny, at school, driving, college, and probably even into adulthood (I’m not there yet, but I’d guess so).
What are some things you worry about today?
We worry for good reason! We love these little humans, a lot. We want what’s best for them, we want them to be happy, we want them to be safe, we want them to make good choices. We want them to grow up into civil humans contributing to our society.
We ask ourselves: did we raise them right? Did we do everything we should’ve? Did we do too much? To little? Was ice cream for dinner a good idea? Do they need more veggies in their diet? What kind of counseling bills will they have because of how we raised them?
It can be exhausting thinking about all of this, and worrying about every little thing. Jesus tells us:
So don’t worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. — Matthew 6:31–32 CSB
Jesus is pointing us to God. He knows what we need, he knows what our kids need too. Trusting in him to know what we need requires faith. Faith is a choice to believe and not do what we want, but wait on God. To truly have faith in God, faith that he is in control, we have to have an understanding of who he is and to do that, we have to spend time with him. He’s not asking for blind faith, he wants to prove himself to you throughout your life. We just have to let him do it, and he will!
Jesus continues:
[don’t worry] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. — v33–34
It’s really hard to stop worrying when all we can think about is ourselves, our kids, and our situation. I’ve been there, I’m there more often than I’d care to admit. Worrying sucks, I feel out of control when I worry too much, I start stressing out, getting anxious and snippy.
Jesus doesn’t say “just stop it” and you’re good. Instead, he gives us an alternative: stop worrying and “seek first the kingdom of God”. Jesus understood worry and anxiety: he knew what his life on earth was about, he was anxious about being tortured and murdered (Luke 22). He got through it with prayer, through seeking his Father’s kingdom, and so can we.
As the worry overcomes us, we need to shift our focus from our situation and onto his kingdom. We have to seek him, seek his kingdom. This is best done often, like daily, regardless of having the anxiety and worry piling up. Waiting until we need him isn’t a great plan, seek him every day and when the worry comes, seeking him will come more naturally because you’re already doing it. Don’t wait for the worry to come to seek Jesus.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and rescued me from all my fears. — Psalm 34:4 CSB
Stresssss
Nevermind being a parent, just being an adult is stressful. We have jobs, expectations from family, friends, and coworkers, we have bills, have to wake up every morning, family commitments, pets, etc. Life can be super stressful, then we add other little humans to it and the stress multiples 10 fold.
What stresses you out in life and about being a parent?
For me, most of my parental stress comes from worrying: am I parenting well enough? Am I doing it right? Are they going to have good relationships with God? With their friends? How do I look compared to other parents? Am I showing them how to make the right decisions? The list goes on.
Other parental stress comes from the busyness of life: having to haul kid one to soccer, kid two to dance, grocery shopping, walk the dog, do the laundry, make dinner, solve world peace, etc. This isn’t worry related, it’s just life, it’s just the pile of stuff on our plates.
When I have too much to do, I slow down and seek God. Like we just read, seek first his kingdom. It sounds counter-intuitive: I’m stressed due to the pile of stuff I have to get done so I slow down and don’t do any of it. You might think that simply adds more to my plate, but it doesn't. Seeking God works every time. But it’s true and it works.
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6–7 CSB
He promises that in everything, when I stop to pray (for me I have to stop what I am doing to legitimately pray and seek him, and then I continue what I was doing, with prayer), when I stop to ask him and thank him, he grants me his peace, which is greater than my mere human understanding of what’s going on, and that peace will guard my heart and mind against the chaos that I’m in. How awesome is that?!
When I am filled with cares [worries], your comfort brings me joy. — Psalm 94:19 CSB
We have to spend time with him to be comforted, to get his peace. Time with God is not a one and done thing, it’s not a once a week thing. It’s the frequent, purposeful, and personal encounter we want to have with a real living God.
When we feel lacking
When we started this parenting adventure, we really didn’t know what we were doing. Even when we get through the worry and anxiety, we still can sit here wondering what do we do. Literally, what do we do when this happens or that goes wrong.
What is one thing you learned about your children or parenting the hard way?
For me, its that children are a lot more sensitive than adults. I tried making an object lesson about God’s love, and forget the finer details, but I compared their love for their dog, and asked them to imagine their dog dying… needless to say, there was weeping and gnashing of teeth. All my wife could do is laugh. It was funny, but I didn’t connect with them on their level, I was bringing them up to mine. Lesson learned.
Every age milestone brings on new challenges, new doubts, new sets of questions. My wife and I have a child in 4 different age brackets: a driving teenage boy, a middle school daughter, an energetic elementary son and my baby princess in kindergarten. (I do play favorites, don’t you?) My wife and I are often saying “well this is new…” Mostly with our oldest of course, but even with the youngest. Each child is so different, we are finding out the same amount of new things with our 5-year-old as we are with our 16-year-old. This can be tough because I don’t know what to do all of the time.
I’ve had many conversations with new moms and dads, friends, family, and coworkers, who have shared their sense of inadequacy, though they may not use that word exactly. They feel overwhelmed at the thought that they are now responsible for another human.
What I can say to fellow believers is to seek God first in your parenting. Paul wasn’t a parent, but he understood hardship. He shares in 2 Corinthians about his thorn in his side, he prayed that God would remove it but God didn’t. Paul responds with:
But he [Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. — 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 CSB
We have to admit we can’t do this parenting thing! Admit it! I can’t do this parenting thing, I’m a terrible human being, selfish in every way. It’s exhausting trying to do this on my own, I get wiped out, grumpy, angry and just straight up parent poorly.
It’s when I seek Christ, when I rely on his grace and peace, when I pull in close to him, do my insufficiencies dim in the light of his love and grace for me and my family. My weakness, by admitting I am in fact weak (we’re all weak but it’s only weakness if we admit it), I then have to turn to Jesus for strength, wisdom, and guidance in parenting.
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken. — Psalm 55:22 CSB
When we feel weak and inadequate, when we just can’t figure out what to do next, we can give that to God. His Word is loaded with promises to help us and sustain us. As I mentioned before, this can’t be an “I’ll wait for the circumstance” event, do it daily, because even when we think we’re parenting well on our own, we’re still sinful selfish beings parenting sinful selfish beings. We need him every day.
I’ve been saying a prayer ever since I became a dad 16 years ago. I get this from Solomon when God asks him “What should I give you?” and Solomon responds asking for discernment and wisdom. Because he asked for wisdom to lead God’s people well, instead of asking for selfish gains, God made Solomon the wisest man in history. (1 Kings 3)
I put myself in Solomon’s sandals, Jesus said I could ask for whatever I want, so I pray something like: “Lord, give me the wisdom to be the husband and parent you want me to be. I want to lead my family for your glory but I need your wisdom and guidance”. God wants us to parent well, he wants to bless us and his children, he wants our children to grow and have real relationships with him. Praying for wisdom for his glory is a win all around. James confirms this specifically about wisdom:
Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God — who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly — and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord, being double-minded and unstable in all his ways. — James 1:5–8 CSB
We can ask God for wisdom and he will give it to us generously and we should expect it! Don’t ask for it and then not trust God enough to grant it. We should be praying for wisdom and discernment daily because every single day we will be faced with new challenges, questions, and hurdles with our children.
Through the wisdom God grants us, he gives us insights into how to treat our children, how to love them the way they need to be loved, how to discipline them as well. God’s wisdom helps us lead our family into a tighter, deeper, relationship with God, which is the best thing in this world. When we submit to his wisdom, we may rub our kids the wrong way because they’re children and not wise adults, but in God’s wisdom, we lead them with grace and love. We do continue to be an authority in their lives, but we need to understand they’re just as much a sinner as we are, and they need our Godly guidance.
Focus on your relationship with Christ
I can’t say it enough, we have to be relying on God to parent well. Our children depend on it. Our relationship with Christ is a journey. Once we accept what Jesus has done for us on the cross, and we commit to living for him, we’re Christian, but it doesn’t stop there. We spend the rest of our lives getting to know what that means, and how to maximize this short time on this earth before we get to meet him face to face. It’s a journey. I’m on a journey. You’re on a journey. Our kids are on a journey.
Because this is a journey, we’re all at different places on the journey. Some are further ahead, some are just getting started. It’s the job of those ahead to help those of us behind, to point out the bumps in the road, to encourage and lift them up to help them in their journey. For you to lead your children on their journey, you have to be ahead of them, to walk them through the challenging decisions they’ll have to make. It’s hard to instruct our children in God’s ways and truth if we ourselves don’t know it, if we don’t understand it.
A little homework for us all. This week, seek God every day. Spend more time than you are now with him. If you’re only spending time with him on Sunday mornings, start a daily routine, add 5 minutes to your morning to read the daily verse from an app and pray. If you’re spending 30 minutes a day reading the Bible, add some more time for prayer and meditation. I encourage each one of us to seek God first, to pursue his glory like it’s the last thing on earth. To push ourselves daily to spend time with him.
As we leave, keep in mind God loves us, he loves you, he loves your children more than you can imagine. Paul David Tripp shares in his book Gospel Parenting:
As a Christian parent, no matter what is happening with your kids, you can wake up in the morning and know that you are deeply and faithfully loved by the most important person in the universe. Because God loves you, he hasn’t left you to your own wisdom, strength, and resources. Because he loves you, he will never forsake you in your parenting struggle. Because he loves you, he has connected you to things that are vastly bigger than you. Because he loves you, he not only forgives you, but he also gives you the grace to do better. Because he loves you, he works daily to grow and change you so that you are better able to do what he’s called you to do. Because he loves you, he works to satisfy your heart and fill you with joy that doesn’t depend on circumstances. He loves you so much that he has come to live inside you. He doesn’t just make promises to you; he is present with you in all his power, grace, and glory so that you can have peace of heart, purpose and direction, and courage to face your parenting day. — Paul David Tripp, Gospel Parenting
