A gratitude letter to my dead girlfriend

For 30 days, I have been writing gratitude letters to people who changed my life. This final letter is to my best friend, a partner in crime and love, Lizzet. You can read about it here.

Hola amor,

Two months ago, I decided to write a gratitude letter to everyone who made a difference in my life for the coming thirty days. Sometimes life without you is hard. The grief strikes me, and you are not there to hug me, tell me it will be okay, and comfort me. I had suffered one of those grief outs, as I called them when my visa didn’t get extended in Brazil, and literally, everything I touched turned wrong for the coming four weeks. One day, I ended up depressed, crying in bed, and I was ready to give up on this trip to South America and return to Europe. Luckily, tickets from Buenos Aires to Europe were too expensive, and my logical mind stopped me. I was lying in bed, and a question popped up. What would Liz do? You would hug me, tell me some comforting words, and do something nice to lift up my mood. I wasn’t capable of giving myself a pep talk or hug. But then I thought you would do something nice for me. So I took myself for a coffee and alfajor (Argentian cookie). I am sure you would love alfajores. I can proudly say that I have eaten many for you. It became a mission to try the sweet things for you in every country I visit.

I am thankful for everything you taught me, and you still keep teaching me, Liz. You might not be physically, yet you are present in my life in so many ways. You keep teaching me how to be more kind to others and myself. In fact, you are the reason why I wrote these gratitude letters. I wanted to do something kind for others because I felt I was not adding much to other people’s lives. At times, I felt like I am this ball of sadness that makes other people feel sad and bad. But we can always do something for other people. For example, say thank you. This project made me realize how often people changed my life with some small action or listened to me when I was at some tough point. I still can’t believe how this guy with dyslexia and aphantasia put together so many letters. I know you were there cheering for me and telling me not to be hard on myself when I didn’t manage to write a letter for a day or more. That was always you making sure that everybody was okay.

Your love changed me in so many ways. You showed me love when I felt unworthy of love. You saw me for who I was today and not for the mistakes I made in my life. Now, I have to learn how to show that love to myself. Luckily, you are always there to remind that. Every time I see your photo, every time I have alfajor or something sweet, and every time I see your backpack that accompanies me on my journey around South America. I think about you, and I remind myself to be kind to myself. Although, I am still learning how to navigate life without it. I am thankful to have you around, at least in this. Although I would so much prefer to be able to hug.

I am grateful for all the time we had together. It still sucks you are not here. It will suck every day for the rest of my life. Yet, I would always choose the pain I carry and having time with you I had over not getting to know you. Miss you, cariño. May you experience joy and peace and spread your kindness wherever you are, amor.

With love

Your Danik