How to Leave Guilt Behind
“The flight from sorrow leads to the loss of hope.”
Al Andrews
When someone I love leaves this plane of existence, I feel all the feelings. Relief, heartache, disappointment, gratitude, rage. It’s like my suitcase is thrown from the train and flies open on the pavement, scattering my emotions like paper in the wind. Imagine if my suitcase remained sealed on impact. I could gather my belongings and depart without incident or exposure. I might feel a bit safer in the moment. But I would still have the responsibility of a very heavy bag.
Learning how not to expose my emotional baggage during the grieving process led to a tremendous amount of guilt in the beginning and derailed my healing. I felt guilt when sharing any new understanding simply because I knew it might be adding to another’s sorrow instead of bringing hope. I felt guilt that I was not in the same place of grief anymore. I felt guilt for wanting to heal! How much more convoluted could my thinking become?! How much more judgment can I execute on my own hurting heart?
They say the depth of your grief reflects the depth of your love. In some ways, I can see how this rings true. But for me, I felt guilt that I wasn’t grieving long enough. How long is enough to show the depth of my love? How can you even ask such a question?
Clearly, guilt created a very distorted way of thinking in my life. Comparison and judgment prevented me from opening my heart and exposing my emotions. I knew I needed a lighter burden — and by keeping my bags packed up tight, I am always ready to pull back and run at a moment’s notice. We must learn how to lighten our loads without guilt to gain the healing we deserve.
Much of my guilt came from the false belief that what I wanted was the ability to move on. Grief healing is not about moving on but becoming curious without judgment so that we may grow around our grief, not over it. We are all working through some level of grief, all the time. We move forward when we become curious, compassionate, and lighten the load.
Maybe you don’t resonate with the guilt I’ve described, and that’s okay. Perhaps you are dealing with a version of the distorted thinking described above. Either way, it is time to open the suitcase and name the emotions you are trying not to feel — creating mindfulness of your pain without judgment breaks the heaviness of guilt. And thankfully, we do not have to go through this unpacking alone.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”
For today
Becoming curious about our grief and guilt requires us to ask non-judgmental questions of ourselves to figure out what is triggering or holding us back from opening the proverbial suitcase and unpacking one item at a time.
Pretend you are about to leave for vacation to be quiet, alone, and sit with your grief. Write a packing list. If you were to travel lightly, with only that which you need to process your sorrow (guilt-free), what would you take with you? What would you leave behind? Be honest with yourself and ask Holy Spirit to illuminate the significance of each item. The why matters — understanding your reasons will bring you to a new level of compassion.
A note: If you are not one who believes in God, you are a fully autonomous human with the ability to replace the word God above with whatever resonates with you. As they say, “Chew the meat and spit out the bones.” Find what serves and allow the rest to pass you by.
Mandy Capehart is a certified grief and life coach, and creator of The Restorative Grief Project. The Restorative Grief Project is an online community focusing on one another’s stories and new methodologies for grief, creating a safe environment for our souls to heal and our spirits to be revived. Registration is currently closed, but you can join the waitlist at www.MandyCapehart.com/grief.
