Losing Joe – Broken Moments

Written on January 26, 2019

I always knew there was something extraordinary about our son, Joseph Anthony Suarez. He seemed to have the ability to shift the universe somehow, always bringing a bright beautiful light into every room he stepped into. I often told him, “One day you will accomplish greatness in life, my son!” His presence was illuminating, he brought people from all walks of life together and wore his heart on both sleeves. I don’t think Joe realized how much love people had (have) for him. God gave him a special gift, I just wish he could have hung around longer to live the life he deserved. He was my gift for 27 years and I miss everything about him every day. We all do. As I reflect on the many conversations, I was right about Joe accomplishing greatness; he did exactly what I knew he would do, I just assumed it would be here in the living world.

I remember having a dream. It felt so real. It was one of those dreams when you tell yourself, if this is a dream, please don’t wake me up! I think they’re called “lucid dreams.” In the dream, I was at my mom’s house on Fillmore St. and we were all sitting at the kitchen table crying. I happened to look in the backyard through the screen door and I saw someone walking toward me. It was Joe. Slowly, I watched him make his way into the kitchen and all I could do was open my arms for him. Joe wrapped his arms around me.

I cry every time I think about this specific part of my dream.

I looked up at him and I could see his eyes filling up with tears. He tells me,“Momma, I’m sorry. It was an accident. I love you.” I know, son, and I love you more. I forgive you.” I held on to him for as long as I could. I

I didn’t want to let him go, then my eyes opened. I remember thinking, was it really a dream? Did I imagine what just happened? Am I going crazy? Or did Joe come to see me one last time? I believe he came to say goodbye. Suddenly, my heart felt as if it stopped beating. I felt nothing. I was cold.

Every day following Joe’s death I was numb. I don’t remember alot but I do remember feeling like I was dead too. Unimaginable pain, I can’t even find words to describe it. I believe my brain went straight into protection mode. For the most part, those days and nights were blurred, and I don’t remember much except sleeping. Sleep protected me from reality, and I felt no pain while my eyes were closed. Sleep kept me from thinking. I didn’t want to think about what was happening in my life. It was too much for me to process and much too hard to accept. My only thought was I would never see Joe again. People tell me eventually, it won’t hurt as bad; I don’t believe that to be true. I asked God out loud, “Where are you? How do I go forward with this? I am broken, Lord!” Sobbing heavily, I could barely catch my breath. Life hurt. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to see and hear. It hurt to walk and talk. Every piece of my body was in pain from the hair follicle at the top of my head to my toes on my feet. Indescribable pain.

Sometimes, I feel as though I’m spinning in circles. Always Trying to find an answer to the “why?” Why Joe? Why my family? Why didn’t I get some warning? Why couldn’t Joe have just stayed home that day? Why didn’t I stop him from leaving? Why didn’t he just come home? There are 100’s of whys. I may never know an answer to any of my questions, so I’ve given it all to God. I had to; I was spinning out of control. I always knew and could feel when Joe was uneasy about something. I would ask him, “A penny for your thoughts?” His reply was always. I’m good, Mom (my heart is racing as I’m typing this). He never wanted me to worry. I’d rather him be here and worry thru the problems that can be fixed versus him being gone forever!

There was a lot wrong that Monday; I could feel it without looking at him. His dad would always tell him, “Don’t be so trusting of other people, son. Always have your guard up. There are vicious people in the world, Joe” ….got it, Pops, he would always tell his Dad. Before May 28th, we were all living, breathing; life as a family was uninterrupted. I want it all back. I want my family, all 5 of us, to live and breathe together again. I want my son Joseph Anthony back. Why did this happen? Some people tell me, “It’s all in God’s plan” Well, that’s not enough for me; I want more. I want to know HOW this happened to Joe. My gut instincts tell me there’s a lot more we don’t know. But, one day, the “more” will reveal itself, I have no doubt. Something will surface. This chaos has ripped apart my family, leaving us mourning Joe to no end. I pray. It’s all I have left in me. I have given this all to God. It’s way too big for my shoulders.

I love you, my son, and every day my heart hurts, but I will not let your death be in vain. I will see you again one day. Until then, I promise to try with everything in my soul to shift my sorrow and my pain toward your memory. I will make sure your greatness will continue and we will honor your life, Joseph Anthony Suarez. I love you, son.