Uncovering Secret Grief with the Enneagram
Identify your hidden sorrows and move toward wholeness.
I don’t believe in crystal balls. But if you stare long enough at a mirror, you will find new wonders in the face before you. The enneagram system is not a new framework — yet it unveils us like new brides each time we see our own faces and soften our gaze.
Learning how to identify your own grief can help you give yourself a break! But sometimes, we don’t know what “a break” means, or even where to start. We don’t need more distortion or direction; we need clear vision. Insight into the self allows us to perceive our shortcomings as human and invite grace into our healing. If you’re a human like me, you’ve condemned yourself in your grief at least once. Likely 1000 times.
Remember: You are a beautiful, complex, worthy creation. Even in your sorrow, you deserve a break. Below, I’ve broken down how each of us can identify and respond to our grief with understanding of our own process. When grief comes from sources other than death, it can be confusing to notice or easy to dismiss. For those unfamiliar with the enneagram framework or who despise the whole idea of anything label or defining, stick around anyway. You will still resonate with many (if not all) of the identifiers below. This is your chance to try a little tenderness.
A note: The identifiers below do not always show hidden grief. Yet, it is always worth recognizing these lower level emotional reactions. Self-awareness can inspire even the deepest cynics.
I. Would. Know.
Enneagram Ones — The Improver, The Reformer, The Perfectionist
Got grief? You become hyper critical of yourself (more so than usual). Your patience is thin with everyone, and the intensity of your judgment against the world becomes biting, impatient, and utterly condemning.
You may repress normal grieving emotions like rage, sorrow, disbelief, and desperation until they burst unexpectedly. Grief itself is hard to accept because it means instead of perfect and good, everything is unequivocally broken.
Get relief: Move your body. Slowing down the onslaught of judgmental self-talk means distracting your thoughts with some big physical action. Preferably, pick something intentional and mindful like yoga or kickboxing. Engage your brain in something you can use as a practice. Undermine your inner critic by reminding the voice that you are already whole, and pursuing new levels of wholeness through healing. Find others who will give you verbal permission to grieve, including new grief frameworks or a professional to give yourself the gift of structure during a time of tumult and healing.
Enneagram Twos — The Servant, The Helper, The Giver
Got grief? You can become sullen, detached from others, and generally disinterested in showing up. The idea of giving to others drains what little energy you have. You may even start believing others would be better off without you, believing you are not worthy of their time.
You might also shift into overdrive, denying your needs to help others process their grief. Emotional energy builds up until it comes out sideways, often as anger at someone who loves you. You exert power and control when possible to deny your loss.
Get relief: Use your words. Speak to your sorrow; to the quiet place in your mind that seems to be shouting for attention. Pick one person who is trustworthy and gentle to remind you of your value. Direct that incredible intuition about the needs of others toward your own heart. Spend as much time on your needs as you do the needs of others.
Enneagram Threes — The Achiever, The Succeeder, The Performer
Got grief? You pull away from the spotlight, preferring the back of the room yet act intense and aggressive. Your usual ebullience is replaced by gloom. You become defensive, scarce, and resentful of others who seem happy or connected.
Your emotions show up demanding attention, and you are unable to push them aside as usual to make the magic happen. Pent up exhaustion can emerge as sickness or physical/mental burnout. You run out of ways to spin things positively.
Get relief: Focus on meditation. In crisis, your mind and actions become so hyperactive that a practice of slow, steady, and alone will help you embrace the emotions you need to identify. If you struggle, pick one intimate friend who you can trust to hold you to a goal of self-growth instead of working to be seen as whole. Find solitude in the quiet of your own heart; befriend the emotions instead of stuffing them aside.
Enneagram Fours — The Individual, The Artist, The Romantic
Got grief? You see everyone as imposing their happiness on you. Your highs are very high; your lows are very low. You feel your feelings more than any other type, but those feelings you adore become monstrous during the seasons of grief.
You will spend so much time trying to extrapolate meaning from the loss, you may get lost in the pattern of overthinking and underacting. You obsessively turn inward, believing that no one on earth could ever understand your complex pain.
Get relief: Reach out for grief care, accepting that though others can’t truly understand your depths, you still need them. Your ability to see the world for its beauty, despite the melancholy, can unleash new avenues of creativity yourself and others. Your heart will express itself in ways you’d forgotten in your sorrow. Take time for yourself and let your big emotions have a big canvas to be honest and seen.
Enneagram Fives — The Seeker, The Investigator, The Observer
Got grief? As a quiet problem-solver, your analytical side flies into analysis paralysis. Decision making is now harder than usual. You become cold, withdrawn, and hypervigilant about guarding and gathering information and resources to ensure survival.
You become manic, pouring energy into projects and away from your overwhelming feelings. You might obsess about the person at the center of your loss, trying to figure out why you lost them. There is an insatiable thirst for closure and understanding.
Get relief: Seek wisdom from experts. This allows you to release the obligation of research and trust that someone else has your best interests at heart. When the answers seem elusive, self-care becomes essential lessen stress. This will allow your somewhat hidden emotions to become more realized and truer. Allow them to surface and be felt; let your deep empathy for others gain access to your own story.
Enneagram Sixes — The Loyalist, The Guardian, The Trooper
Got grief? While you are normally hardworking, loyal, and skeptical in a healthy manner, those traits become toxic in grief. Your skepticism leads to mistrust, fear of being manipulated, and hiding in your work to avoid processing the anxiety of uncertainty.
Loss is proof that life is not safe or secure, so you either withdraw from relationships or demand that others prove themselves trustworthy. You make up rules for yourself and others to live by for protection from more pain and suffering.
Get relief: Your attentiveness and gift of devotion to others will benefit your heart in the healing process. Spend time with a trusted friend who will help you set boundaries and identify your needs. Practice mindfulness techniques to undermine the skepticism in your thoughts — invite the quiet to calm and reassure your mind.
Enneagram Sevens — The Enthusiast, The Dreamer, The Adventurer
Got grief? You love to appear happy and bubbly, so when grief settles you can become almost manic. Rather than keep up appearances, you simply avoid the people who cannot handle or tolerate your darker emotions. Overdoing it feels like a way to stave off inescapable reality.
Your playful, spontaneous optimism is derailed by distracted impulsivity, and this “false self” is a thin veil that can be blown away at the slightest breeze. You might be drawn to activities that numb pain, like drinking or binging TV.
Get relief: Be honest. Grief can be freeing if you allow your emotions a chance to exist. Feeling low does not mean you will miss out on all the fun stuff; it gives meaning to the high emotional moments in a new way. Take small chunks of time to release your grief and then move onto the next thing in your day, trusting that you have great strength and complexity within.
Enneagram Eights — The Champion, The Challenger, The Leader
Got grief? In sorrow, you have the shortest fuse and the loudest voice. Your anger, which is always right under the skin, suddenly becomes your skin. Anger and shouting protect you from becoming too vulnerable. You look to the future, creating plans to move quickly and forcefully out of a painful present. New ideas are an escape.
You are known for your strength, but you may have bought into the falsehood that weakness or sadness undermines your power. You are worried that showing your softer, hurting side will result in a loss of influence or feelings of inadequacy.
Get relief: Practice vulnerability with safe, equally strong people. You have a mental block against sadness that deserves a chance to break loose! Anger is a secondary emotion. Process your anger by moving it through your body (think physically writing in a journal, running, or a punching bag). See what emerges — your gut instincts will rise up and start speaking more clearly. Your vulnerability is the true source of your strength. Be honest with yourself and you will be trusted to champion others in their own grief journeys.
Enneagram Nines — The Peacemaker, The Mediator, The Preservationist
Got grief? While you generally avoid conflict, that avoidance is now your highest priority. Anything that triggers mindfulness of your loss is pushed into a blank void. Your easygoing nature is completely detached, choosing all the numbing and coping mechanisms you can find.
Usually, you easily connect with others. Now, your grief keeps you hidden, wary, and withdrawn. You might also feel heightened anxiety and the desire to prepare for more worst-case scenarios. Reality feels like something hard to grasp.
Get relief: Find movement or nature. These two things will help you reconnect to the reason you live and breathe in the first place: connection with others. Your life is one that draws all the people in with compassion, understanding, and generosity. Offer those characteristics to yourself in your grief by tending to the simplest routines of walking, gentle yoga movements, or finding stillness in the great outdoors.
Wings, Subtypes, and Other Characteristics
“The Enneagram doesn’t put you in a box. It shows you the box you’re already in and how to get out of it.”
Ian Morgan Cron
As I write this piece, my enneagram five husband insists on the nuance of his number. I love him, and he’s right. No one is defined by a number or placed in a box. So if you choose to embrace this work as one that can lead to deeper revelations in your healing process, give yourself the gift of compassion. You are not a number. You are a human being with amazing capacity to love fiercely and grieve deeply.
Mandy Capehart is a certified grief and life coach, and creator of The Restorative Grief Project. The Restorative Grief Project is an online community focusing on one another’s stories and new methodologies for grief, creating a safe environment for our souls to heal and our spirits to be revived. Registration is currently closed, but you can join the waitlist at www.MandyCapehart.com/grief.
References:
The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron
