To My Former Self

I know how scared you are of what you might become.

The bad news is that it happens: All the hypotheticals that turned your heart to ice and dropped you to your knees, praying for grace and strength? They’re true and the slippery slope is just as steep as everyone said. You poked too hard and questioned too much and shook your head at too many answers. You’re no longer a believer.

The good news, though, is that you are still very much you. You are not a monster; you do not hurt others or run roughshod over the weak just because you don’t have God watching from on high. It turns out that the desire to do good is part of you, just as much as selfish impulses and the tug-of-war all humans face. You can choose who you will be and become, God or gods or nothing. You can choose that now, even as you believe: cultivate what you feel is right and good, not simply because it is what God says you should value but because it is what you value.

The other good news is that the people who matter — the ones who care — will not change simply because you do. Your faith is not what holds them up, and the loss of your “example” will not cause their own belief to crumble. The ones who know you, who love you because of who you are and not where you stand, stay with you.

You will not be alone. You will be you.