Growing Up
Rules NEED NOT APPLY
To say that I am frustrated is to say the least. My heart is heavy, my eyes are brimming with tears and I am talking to myself to boost my self-confidence. Here I am forty-one years old - NO, I don’t put a number on things but time is a-tickin’ HELLO - with little to show for it. When I was younger, as in elementary school age, it used to be different, time stood still and I couldn’t grow old fast enough. Now I’m like WAIT! Slow DOWN, I need a second to catch my breath.
It’s been five months since I’ve been laid off, and I can’t seem to find a job in my career field to save my life. Why not you ask? I don’t know. I send out my CL and CV relentlessly (every job-seeking database is somehow connected to my computer just check my Gmail) with few responses back other than the AUTOMATED courtesy “Thank you.” They tell me the recession is on the up. So WTF?! WHY if my qualifications are SICK (at least in my wonderful mind) can’t I seal the deal? OH, did I mention that I DO apparently have the ability to get OTHER people jobs, just not myself. Brother — check. Sister — check. FRUSTRATION — check.
The bills are piling up and I am getting restless. I’m the kinda girl that NEEDS no CRAVES work. I LIVE for the chase, working late into the night when all is quiet and ALL are asleep. No questions, no answers, no sound. I sit in the corner of our kitchen alcove the only light sources — a cornflower blue glow emanating from my computer screen and ribbons of amber from the streetlights coming through the slits of the blinds and resting on the laminate table. Research. Research. Research. THIS is when I am at my best, in the ZONE.
Yes, I have an innate ability to be a work-a-holic, I’ve known nothing else since I was fourteen. So NOT working is KILLING me. Can’t stop, won’t stop — this is who I AM. Nasty business I know, but I have my passions to keep the insanity at bay — #1) Find a way to heal this world (YES a DAUNTING TASK but we have to start somewhere and there is just too much negativity out there), #2) Fashion — nothing more nothing less it’s what I also LIVE for, #3) Media (film, TV, new media), #4) Art — it’s in my blood so actually listing this fourth is obsolete, and #5) Music — this is also LIFE, as it creates the story of my life — YES I have theme music doesn’t everybody? And much to the chagrin of SOME family members I document ALL of this through digital imagery on social media — YES Virginia times are a-changin’ — plus it’s another form of creativity for me.
So while I wait for the PERFECT position to fall into my lap the majority of my time is spent spreading the word about/developing a village for children orphaned by AIDS in Africa (shout-out to AMF), jump-starting a sustainability fashion line (MRD), and producing no to low budget projects.
I have a problem, YES, MY problem but I am currently in therapy — in my car with my sister 15 minutes before I drop her off at her dream job, believe me it is time well spent. I’m a CONNECTOR (and sometimes DISRUPTOR) for my friends, but I’m not requesting payment for my services. It’ll ALL come back (right?!?). Not everyone comes from the HAVES so why should that stop creativity. Aren’t we taught to SHARE, and share alike, to SPREAD the WEALTH?
I HATE feeling as if I am NOT contributing to this world, and I also HATE having to rely on my family (or anyone for that matter) for assistance each month — it is SO NOT the business. So this situation I’m in has me feeling as if I’m regressing. I SHOULD be providing for MYSELF, I NEED to provide for myself.
Good Lord, if this is growing up, I am COMPLETELY OVER IT.
