Sometimes you don’t have anyone
Maybe I’ve written about this before. Maybe I’ve realized it before and played the narrative in my head, but never felt like writing it would make a difference in any way.
Maybe I’m just sitting here on a Thursday night in an environment I still find uncomfortable, wondering how I ended up here and trying to figure out why my life writes the same narrative regardless of where I go.
The new school, new job, new house or apartment with the lack of socializing and connection, realizing that I’ve exhausted a lot of the people I used to turn to. Exhausted those options with minuscule problems of a spoiled kid with borrowed money, wasting his time, trying to ask his parents or his mentor why he isn’t feeling fulfilled.
A head full of ideas and no execution or execution that moved so slow it was 2 forward, 1 backward
2 forward, 2 backward
3 forward, 2 backward
3 forward, 3 backward
3 forward, 4 backward
and eventually it was back to 0, and I hit emotional stagflation and chose to stay there.
And now I’m feeling unfulfilled but for real reasons. Reasons that I probably have the answers to but don’t wanna focus on because I’m writing the same narrative as always. It’s supposed to be different but it isn’t. The real changes aren’t happening, just the superficial ones.
The worst part of all this, from my current perspective, which by the way is completely wrong, is that my situation sucks because I feel too guilty to pick up the phone and make a call to someone to vent. I feel guilty calling home because I’ve wasted so much time in the past on useless problems that now a supposedly real problem isn’t something they’d have the time for.
I’m realizing now the value of those hours my mentor gave me. A guy making seven figures a year gave up some 10–15 hours a month to talk me through my problems. You can’t put a dollar amount on a friendship but those hours cost him several thousands and he never once turned me down when I needed his help. Now, I understand how badly I utilized that time.
And I’m realizing that sometimes, I just won’t have someone. Sometimes, its a matter of just getting by on my own. Sometimes, I’m an idiot and I don’t value others’ time and I in turn waste my own time. Valuable free time to make some changes, put some plans into action, make the tough decisions that will actively make life better.
Sometimes, I just won’t have anyone there. Not to pick me up when I’m down, because honestly, I don’t think I know what it means to be down. Sometimes I won’t have someone to baby me when I scrape my metaphorical knees and pick me up from a minor fall.
Sometimes I’ll fall, and it’ll feel like the world is falling with me, like a blanket fort that I trip and fall into, and as I turn I see the sheets and pillows and chairs falling on top of me, and it’ll feel like the end of the world, but really, I’ll hit the ground and realize that it wasn’t a big deal. That the fear of falling was worse than the impact itself. And when that happens, I’ll have to actually let myself take the hit, instead of screaming for someone to grab me and pull me back up before I hit the ground.
Because if I keep getting caught prior to hitting the ground, I’ll be living in limbo. I’ll never actually fall and I’ll never actually stand back up on my own.
What I’m basically saying is…sometimes I won’t have someone there to help me, and most of those times, I won’t realize that I’m really just being a little bitch and I need to enjoy hitting the ground and picking myself back up, because life is better when you eat shit and recover, than if you never truly fall down all the way.
Kudos to you if you understand what I’m trying to say here, because I sure as hell find myself leaving more confused than when I came in…
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Asad Chishty is a writer, digital marketer and wannabe comedian figuring out the best way to deliver value to the world. You can follow him on twitter and sign up for his newsletter to stay up to date on his work.