Being the Arse
Well, you have to save yourself first. But my heart feels empty. As I turned back and started to walk slowly my heartache grew, slowly. My heart struggled to grow heavy enough to act alone. To turn and run back to you, hugging you like in the movies. But some things need to be done - maybe I’m sure about it or not, I know not. Even if the heart bleeds, destroys things and throws tantrums, it needed to be done. I wait patiently for my brain to take the reins of my heart.
Maybe I’ll regret it? I must have made the wrong decision and overthought things that led to that decision; It’s all in my head and I went overboard asking to end things.
Steady yourself, dear heart, it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s the point of all these, I’ll lose the most either way. It’s not like I can go back. Besides you won’t be exactly missed, you only left because you wanted to be the first to, although in reality, you got dumped. And you’ll be the one in pain, you won’t be missed, we both know that. It was best to leave first; the pain would have been more if he left you.
To have no one to look forward to. To have no one to tell about your day. To have no one to miss and want to hold. To have no one to hold while you sit on their lap. To have no one to hug while you sit on their lap and hold. To have no one who would have to listen to your crazy ideas. To have no one to tell all the creepy, cheesy things you never knew you’d always wanted to say. To have no one to make you smile even at the mention of their name. To have no one to smile sheepishly at when you hear their voice. To have no one whose thought brings you warmth. The pain that you caused it. The despair that you ruined it.
He never responded to your texts anymore, never laughed at your jokes. I know that he’s been busy but has he never been? You should stop lying to yourself that he still wants you. He even makes excuses to avoid you and visits someone else.
I hope you always remember what you brought upon yourself. The physical pain: how you got clumsy, hitting everything in your path while stumbling on small stones, placing your hands in the door all to unconsciously inflict pain upon yourself — gosh I’m so pathetic. I hope you remember the emotional pain; the longing and heartaches; the fear that you made a mistake and the guilt that you caused it. I hope you remember how your logic went on holiday and left you. How she wouldn’t help you go numb so you're still in pain. I hope you remember and never fall in love again since you’ll always ruin it, asshole.
Look unto the bright side, for how long would you be contemptible🙄 dear heart. You can look at the positive side that you no longer have someone shoving it in your face that you don’t know what you want. You no longer have to deal with another human in your life who you have to be responsible for. It’s not like you have to avoid him since you work together so you'll get over him pretty quickly. You also wouldn’t have to deal with being anxious and confused about whether you’re wanted or not. Was I really unwanted? I really wish I asked before making assumptions, I miss his warmth. Now I have to deal with this for a long time — and I hope not for the rest of my life. I wish I was certain before ending things. I wonder if I could still amend things and go back. I haven’t walked so far away…
