Know Yourself to Know Others: A Tool to Connect with People Like and Unlike You
I’ve always been fascinated by the world of psychology and today’s class gave me thoughts on a critical question — In a world that encourages authenticity, how does “being who we are” impact our connection with other people?
From Professor Karl Moore’s lecture, I understood the following three basics:
1. Being aware of our personality would bring us clarity of our own behaviors and other’s reactions (think: cause and effect);
2. Each personality has its strengths and weaknesses (so don’t feel guilty for being who you are!);
3. Personality is hard-wired but could evolve over time (and yes, it comes with age);
Upon this foundation, I pondered on two new insights:
The first insight is an often-overlooked fact:
Personality is a spectrum, not a trait.
While we often coin ourselves as introverts vs. extroverts, it does not mean that we don’t have characteristics of the other side. In fact, our discussion around ambiverts made me realize that we thrive on a bell curve — that is, we have the ability to take advantage of both worlds. While an introvert needs to recharge by being alone, she/he has the ability to develop a meaningful conversation and to take pleasure in it. Along a similar line, an extrovert who needs constant stimulation may satisfy this desire internally, switching between Netflix, reading, and baking during the solo quarantine time.
Second, even though our personality is hard-wired,
We have the ability to shape what we can bring into a connection.
In fact, we have way more power to influence interpersonal dynamics than we think. I would have never imagined Oprah to be an introvert but her example demonstrates a balance between who you are and what you can do. This made me realize that we could satisfy both fronts by pushing ourselves and giving us breaks. After all, everyone needs an angel and a devil, right?
After gaining these two insights, I couldn’t help but ask “so what?” — even if we understand who we are and can change how we can contribute to a relationship, so what? Why would it matter?
By questioning the meaning of doing so, I began to appreciate that understanding flows both ways — it’s only when we make an effort to understand others may others understand us (cue reciprocity theory).
To foster this reciprocity, we can develop understanding in two ways:
First, as simple as it is, understanding is assuming the best intent.
Granted, when we encounter individuals of different personalities, it is common to experience frustration. But it is such moments that train us to say, “That’s ok. I assume that you are doing it for our best interests.” (If it turns out that they don’t, you know whom to avoid next time. It’s just not worth it.)
Second, understanding is challenging ourselves to think “How can I help you?”
It is taking initiatives to shake off our ego and to free up any limited definition of our selves. By doing this, we would prevent ourselves from falling into the trap of confirmation bias — the more we believe who we are, the closer we become our stereotypes (and worse off, we may become whom we hate just because we think we are like them. No, we don’t! If Harry the Parseltongue can go to Gryffindor, you will not give in to Slytherin). Hence, instead of fitting ourselves into the extroverts vs. introverts pendulum, I encourage us to think from the perspectives of others — and how can we help them while staying true to what feels comfortable to us.
Photo credit:
- Professor Karl Moore’s slide deck.
