Walking On Eggshells

Surviving Narcissism in the Ministry Home

They were the perfect couple! Jeff* was outgoing and friendly — and so charming! Everyone said his sermons were refreshing and saw him as a spiritual pillar. They looked up to him as the epitome of pastoral leadership. Praise energized him — and he did like knowing his ministry was effective.

Emily, his wife, was always smiling and happy. Devoted to being the best wife and mother, she was his constant support and greatest admirer. Their little family even had well-behaved, happy children. People always saw them together — helping wherever needed, hosting church events, spending time together at home. They appeared happy and in love. But behind closed doors, underneath the perfect exterior, something wasn’t quite right.

Emily worked hard to create a happy home with Christ as the center — and to all appearances she did. But no matter how she tried, she always failed to meet Jeff’s unspoken expectations. When marriage or family challenges came up, he always attributed it to something she did or didn’t do. She’d apologize and determine to do better next time, to be a better wife and Christian. Obviously it had to be her fault when there were problems. It couldn’t be Jeff! At least that’s what he always said. Then Jeff would act happy with her. For a little while. Until the next time.

She tried to discuss their marriage with Jeff, to share her heart, but each conversation inevitably turned to what she wasn’t doing for him. He reminded her that any other woman would love to be lucky like her, married to him. Obviously she didn’t praise him enough (like other people at church did), or tell him enough how good-looking he was, or have sex just the way he wanted whenever he wanted, or drop everything to be at his beck and call. A good wife would do that, Jeff always said.

She pled with God to make her a better person so her husband would be happy with her. She wrestled with scriptures Jeff used as proof that she was the one at fault. He was so good with words and she never had a quick enough comeback. Maybe she actually wasn’t a Christian wife?

Things weren’t bad all the time. They had fun together. Jeff sometimes said he loved her; she was the only woman for him; she was the perfect package. He brought flowers.

But when the next confrontation surfaced, it didn’t matter how well things were going. He’d say, “You should have known I didn’t want you to do/say/go ________. You should have thought of me!” When she was exhausted or disheartened, when she needed to lean on him for strength, even when there were issues at the church he’d retort, “If you were nicer to me, _________ wouldn’t have happened.”

Emily felt so confused! If she could just be more perfect, maybe the beautiful periods of happiness wouldn’t be marred by yet another painful confrontation in private. If only she could confide in someone — but she was the pastor’s wife and could never put a shadow on his ministry. She resolved to shield her heart and to shed her tears in secret (Ps 56:8). She would give more. She would be completely, totally selfless. She would do whatever he wanted. He was a pastor, it couldn’t be something wrong with him.

In quiet moments, Emily longed to be loved for who she was, to know his love wasn’t contingent on what she did or didn’t do for him. She wanted love that was not a contract, but a mutual submission of hearts to each other.

Instead, she lived each day walking on eggshells, never knowing what would shatter the fragile happiness of the moment — or when the next painful encounter would come. She began to question what was real.

Underneath the Eggshells — The Narcissism Dichotomy

How was Emily to know she was caught in the elusive web of life in a narcissistic relationship? From the outside, everything looked great on. But inside she couldn’t figure out what was happening in her marriage, let alone have someone else believe her. Surely her pain from Jeff’s mixed signals behind closed doors would be met by disbelief that such a charming spiritual leader could be so cruel.

To understand and navigate the narcissism dichotomy — charming perfection in public but unpredictable self-absorption in private — Emily needs to know what narcissism looks like. She needs to understand how a narcissist thinks and operates.

Narcissism 101.

Narcissism essentially means self-love and ranges from a healthy sense of oneself (non-narcissist) to an unhealthy sense of oneself (extreme narcissist). An individual with a healthy sense of self will have balanced relationships with others and be willing to give and take, be mutually submissive, acknowledge problems and take responsibility, empathize with others, and have a sensitive moral conscience.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the individual with an unhealthy sense of self — the extreme narcissist. Everything in life revolves around his desires without any thought to how his actions affect others. He makes his own rules. His moral conscience is blunted. He has no empathy. He uses and abuses selective others to benefit himself. In essence, he makes himself his own god.

In the field of psychology, extreme narcissism is a clinically diagnosed character disorder called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Approximately 62% of those with NPD are men.**

Behind Closed Doors — Stepping Into the Mind of a Narcissist

Behind Jeff and Emily’s closed doors, was she imagining things? Was she really always to blame? How could she understand what was really going on?

It’s important to see how a narcissist thinks and operates in intimate relationships, keeping in mind that he may not display all these characteristics nor display them at the same level. Woven through everything he does is the constant need to fill his narcissistic supplies: attention, admiration, status, support, understanding, money, control, power, sex, or whatever he views as perfection.

Character Traits of Narcissism

· Grandiose yet Vulnerable — two-sided persona. Grandiose outward side is charming, patient, congenial and confidently reasonable — yet really seeking attention, power, and status. Vulnerable hidden side is the “poor unfairly treated me” — yet really seeking admiration, sympathy, and ultimately control.

· Lack of Empathy — cannot see how his actions affect you, or understand how you might feel. Only cares how he feels.

· Lack of Accountability — unable to receive criticism. Finds it impossible to admit wrong, express remorse, or apologize. Blames you, others, or circumstances — removing the focus from his own lack of accountability and responsibility.

· Control — does whatever it takes to control people and situations. Sees you as an extension of himself. Expects you to do what he wants.

· Envy — wants what others have, or else thinks others envy him. Lacks gratitude.

· Manipulation — a master at manipulation, deceitfulness, and lying. Stops at nothing to bend things his way. Manipulates your vulnerabilities and your kindness/goodness for his purposes. Words are his choicest weapons.

· Spiritual Manipulation — twists Scripture to suit his advantage. Picks out portions that portray what he wants — without acknowledging the whole picture or the intent of the passage. Sends the message that God is his ally but not yours.

· Boundaries — views you as to how you can or cannot help him achieve his agenda for self. No give and take in the relationship. Feels entitled to command your ideas, feelings, and desires.

· Competitive — intensely competitive and driven to win at all costs. Unable to see any way other than his way. No mutual submission and understanding.

· Admiration/Idealization — makes you believe you are special because he has chosen you. Lavishes praise, gifts, and attention — but always expects a return on his investment. Love is a contract. His expectations are ever changing.

· Intimidation — you never know where you stand, what he’s thinking, or how he views your relationship. His responses are inconsistent and based on how he can use you.

· Martyr/Guilt — convincingly draws you into his “poor me” world where he claims others have unjustly treated him or caused his problems. Manipulates you to feel you are the only one who can help make things better for him.

· Distraction — diverts attention from things he wants to avoid or can’t control. Changes the focus from your agenda to his agenda. Distracts from the issue and portrays you as the one at fault.

· Devaluing — uses passive-aggressive techniques to devalue you in situations where you cannot defend yourself. Causes you to doubt yourself and ask what is real and whether his criticism is valid. Demands increasingly more of your time and attention to meet his expectations.

· Double Message/Double Blind — builds you up publically, telling how wonderful you are, but privately says you are flawed and need to change. “You do so much/You are perfect!” vs. “You don’t do enough/You are incompetent!” A confusing no-win situation.

· Repetitive Criticism — dauntless with criticism, quick with words and persuasive logic. Allows no time for you to think or process his words.

· Projection — projects his inadequacies and faults on you. Uses logic to convincingly point out all your supposed faults. You start believing you are the source of the problem.

· Emotional Hostage — you ask yourself if you’re going crazy. You do whatever it takes to prevent another encounter. You mentally rehearse his accusations and search your heart for any shred of truth. You think, “If I just try harder, give a little more, things will get better!”

· Psychological and Emotional Invalidation — “black hole” of narcissism. Little or no response to any form of communication or interpersonal contact — you seemingly don’t exist.

· Addictive/Risk-taking Behavior — strongly associated with infidelity, pornography, sexual addiction, financial risk/deceit, and other addictive behaviors. Thinks he is special and invincible and not subject to the same rules and moral regulations as others. Bends rules for himself, but ruthlessly calls out others for breaking the same rules.

The Big Picture — Battling for The Soul

At this point, the outlook for Jeff and Emily may appear bleak, but let’s look at the big picture. The battle against selfishness began when narcissism was birthed in Satan’s self-centered quest to be like God. The battle was won when narcissism’s antidote — the self-sacrificing love of Jesus — was unveiled. Despite this victory, Satan continues relentlessly in his pursuit to drive God and His perfect character of selfless love out of hearts and our marriages. We all stumble and fall in many ways (James 3:2), yet God comes alongside us with love, mercy, and grace to regain the throne of our hearts and to gently mold us to be like Him.

This is the paradigm for understanding and dealing with narcissism in marriage — with love and caring, yet comprehending the tenacity and destructiveness of selfishness throughout earth’s history. We need to learn how to respond to the destructive cycle of narcissism without losing sight of our inestimable value in the eyes of our Redeemer and His omnipotent power.

The Antidote — How to Deal with Narcissism

The first essential step in dealing with narcissism is knowledge — becoming aware of narcissism’s many deceptive nuances and characteristics. This helps to remove the curtain of isolation the narcissist creates, and allows truth to be validated — to you, to him, and to others. Becoming thoroughly acquainted with narcissistic thought and behavior patterns helps you examine the relationship to see where and how dysfunction plays out. This allows you to take appropriate steps to seek help, stop the cycle, and to protect your heart.

The Answer — Hope and Healing

Is there hope for people like Jeff? Is there healing for narcissists? Can they live authentic emotional and relational lives? Yes! From a Biblical view, nothing is impossible with God. Narcissism is an issue of the heart and our God specializes in creating new hearts.

The best medicine for a narcissist is to be exposed — to see himself for the selfish tyrant he really is and for his dark side to be seen by others so he cannot live a duplicitous life any longer. He needs the reality check of accountability rather than the cloak of deception. He needs to seek help from a counselor experienced in dealing with the flawed mindset of the narcissist. He needs to become honest and to accept the painful weight of responsibility for the awful destruction inflicted by his narcissistic behavior. If the narcissist will take these steps, there is hope for healing.

Is there hope for spouses like Emily? Is there healing from the shattered brokenness of the narcissist’s emotional and spiritual mind games? Again, yes! Healing begins when you accept the inability of the narcissist to be there for you. Your entreaties, giving, and loving are meaningless to him and will not help. He must take responsibility for his own actions of wounding, and initiate efforts toward you for restoration and growth. This will demonstrate that he is on the path to wholeness and healing. It is a choice he alone can make. You cannot change him, but you can humbly come alongside him and pray for his heart to be softened.

Your role is to allow God to heal your own broken places so you can be a living testimony to the power of God’s love and grace. Find a godly counselor who is skilled in dealing with NPD. Learn how to disarm the painful and damaging tactics of the narcissist. Surround yourself with godly friends who will come alongside you, validate you, and be your advocates. Go forward with confidence knowing you are the precious much-loved child of the all-powerful King of the Universe!

*Names and situations have been changed to protect privacy.

**Although NPD and narcissism can affect women as well, for ease of writing, I have chosen for this article to delineate males as the narcissist.