Empty Nest Syndrome

On a hot Sunday afternoon not long ago, my family and I were sitting together, fantasising about our post-covid plans over lunch. We would travel to our hometown, visit our family and relatives, go out everyday painting the town red — the possibilities seemed endless. My younger daughter reminded me that she would be giving her entrance exams, and that time would probably be spent getting her settled in her new college and making hostel arrangements. All of a sudden, I realised that this forced family quarantine is probably one of the last times we will get to spend months together as a family: my younger bird is ready to fly away, and my nest will soon be empty.

My babies all grown up from tiny bundles of joy to mature adults! Wow! Time really does fly. This thought filled me with a bittersweet feeling. A new era in our lives is going to start soon, the thought of which filled me with questions several of you may have had — how is one supposed to cope with such a massive change in one’s life? How can one keep at bay, or overcome the overwhelming emptiness when one’s children move away for studies, jobs, or better career opportunities? Does this weird emptiness even have a name? Yes. It is a condition where parents experience a loss of purpose, loneliness, and even depression, and is called the ‘empty nest syndrome’.

It might feel silly for some of you, to give a psychological diagnosis to something that can be written off as just ‘missing your children’. However, the empty nest syndrome is a serious problem, and affects thousands of parents each year. While both parents might feel lonely and sad, stay-at-home parents are affected the most, as they suddenly lose their active roles and may feel lost when faced with large gaps of free time in their day. They might also be more apprehensive of how their children are dealing with problems on their own. People are also worse-off if there are marital troubles between the couple, and a child leaving can often mean the end of a marriage. Sometimes, if the leaving of children corresponds with other big changes like menopause, retirement, or death of a spouse, the blow is harder and grief can manifest in the form of physical and mental illness. In general, fathers are affected less than mothers, and suffer mainly because of the guilt of not spending more time with their children.

Clearly, the empty nest syndrome is something debilitating and needs addressing. To illuminate my point further, I would like to share the story of someone I know. She has been an empty-nester for 21 years now, but still has trouble coping with it from time to time. Even though she understands that her situation is unavoidable and her children have to relocate for their better future prospects, reconciliation with the problem does not always solve it. For instance, she developed hypertension and anxiety when her eldest left home 25 years ago, and to this day, she cannot bear to come back to an empty house after dropping her children to the airport when they come to visit, and her husband happens to be travelling. Still, she keeps herself busy by cultivating hobbies, doing crafts, teaching, attending and taking part in various community events. While she is truly an inspiration for someone who had no outside help available, and still managed to combat the syndrome, her case illuminates just how serious the problem can be, and the need for increased awareness about the same.

After having provided for our children for several years, we too need time to recuperate, and be taken care of. At this time, one should not be ashamed to ask for help, take time to cope with one’s issues, and address existing problems in our lives. Once we are motivated, an empty nest can be seen as an opportunity to create and fulfill new goals, and one can take a leap out of the nest along with one’s children.

I would like to end this article by listing some handy tips to cope with the empty nest syndrome, and general feelings of a loss of direction:-

1. Be prepared for when your child leaves and develop channels to keep yourself busy.

2. Re-kindle your marriage and discuss mutual feelings, and plan for your future as a couple.

3. Accept the fact that your children will leave, be gentle on yourself, and try to adapt the change slowly and happily.

4. Stay connected with your children, while respecting their privacy.

5. Engage with, and help your community as it improves self-esteem.

6. Follow self-care and have good a physical and diet regime.

7. Pursue your old hobbies and interests which were forgotten while raising your children.

8. Don’t be afraid to join support groups if coping is difficult.

9. Keep a journal to express feeling and sort them out.

10. Develop creative ways to keep yourself busy and productive.

11. Do not be shy to ask for help, from friends or even a professional — you are important.

Again, if you think you might be experiencing ENS, please do not hesitate to reach out to family and friends, and even a therapist if needed. Remember, you are important, and so is your mental well being!