Sisyphus’ Thesis — Overcoming a Sense of Futility in Academia
Yesterday I finally submitted my thesis for defense. And you know what? I’m exhausted.
More exhausting than all the work that came prior, the seemingly endless revisions, the trifling details that — I’m told — make or break my submission, the emotional exhaustion of having an idea I’ve been working on for the past 2 years ripped apart and reassembled over and over again, is the news that even after I defend, there is one last round of revisions.
Sometimes I think the point of all these revisions is just to see test if I’m willing to grit my teeth and push through.
I feel like Sisyphus — my boulder, an 80 page document, my hill, another round of “not good enoughs”.
The Myth of Sisyphus
According to the myth, Sisyphus was the king of Ephyra, a city in ancient Greece. He was known for his cunning and deceitful ways, and even managed to cheat death twice — once by trapping Thanatos, the god of death, in chains, and another time by convincing Persephone, the queen of the underworld, to let him return to the world of the living.
However, Sisyphus’ luck eventually ran out. When he died, he was sent to the underworld, where he was punished by the god Hades. His punishment was to push a giant boulder up a steep hill, only to have it roll back down to the bottom each time he neared the top.
This was to be Sisyphus’ eternal task, and he was condemned to repeat it endlessly, never able to complete the task and earn his freedom. The punishment was meant to be a reminder to mortals that they should not try to cheat death or the gods, as there are consequences for such hubris. — ChatGPT
But, I know this is just a feeling that tons of academics before me and after me have gone through, and will go through.
So today, perhaps more for my sake than my readers’, I’ll be sharing what keeps me going — why I decide to push my boulder up the hill one more time.
What Keeps me Going
Unlike Sisyphus’ task, mine isn’t futile.
There is an end to this — in fact, it’s May 10th. I’ve finally scheduled my defence for April 27th. After that, I receive a final round of revisions, and submit any time before May 10th.
The end is in sight and the steepest parts of this hill are behind me.
When I’m tired and don’t want to write or revise another line, I can remember that the finish line is in sight. I just need to ask myself for a little more.
Unlike Sisyphus, I am not alone.
Not only have thousands of academics gone through this before, meaning I’m not alone in a sort of culty “one of us, one of us” kind of way, I also have incredible support from my supervisor, our graduate student coordinator, my friends, colleagues, and family.
I have been so fortunate to have the care and support of incredible people. Knowing I can lean on them for academic support or to relax and unwind after hours of painstaking work has put me at ease time after time.
Gratitude is something I draw on to help me find a reason to finish my thesis. When I’ve depleted my care for this damn paper and my own success, I can lean on the fact that I’m not the only one invested in this work and that I can thank them by finishing it properly.
Unlike Sisyphus, I am not Being Punished.
Despite how AWFUL it can feel to receive revision after revision on work that you’ve poured your mind and heart into, it’s not punishment — it’s care and support. If my supervisor and colleagues didn’t care about my work or I, they’d say it’s good enough and move along.
Their investment of time and effort is something I’m grateful for.
Moreover, I can see the strides I’ve made by learning from their advice and revisions. Every time I push this thesis up the hill again, I can see how far I’ve come. The change isn’t in the position of the boulder - it’s in me.
When I’m struggling to muster the emotional strength to get back to work, I can look back on my improvements and see how this will make me a better researcher moving forward.
Wrapping up
I know this was a bit of a weirder article but I’ve needed to vent and it’s my blog so … just kidding, thank you for the time and attention you spend reading this — it does mean a lot to me.
I hope other academics going through thesis writing or getting the dreaded feedback from reviewer #2 can draw some inspiration from this ramble to find reslience and purpose in their work too.
Good luck with whatever your task is!
Cheers,
Nathan Laundry
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