MENTAL HEALTH
Dealing with Sadness — 101
A comprehensive retelling of a journey that truly changed my life
The concept of happiness is all around us. It’s being sold to us in the form of a foamy drink, the perfect pair of jeans and a trendy houseplant. We, too, are constantly chasing it by having a delicious plate of sushi, buying a pleather jacket (because it’s on sale), and taking insta-worthy pics of our vacation (and much more).
Different people may have different takes on this concept. Some of us may have a grasp on it and understand what it is really about; others (like me) might find it fleeting and confusing. I happen to think that most people would lie somewhere in the middle of this continuum.
Although one thing binds us all, we take a whole lot of effort to try and achieve this concept. Which brings to mind the following questions:
- If all of us are working so hard to be happy, then why is it so elusive?
- Why does it need constant reinforcement?
- Shouldn’t there be a more natural way to be happy?
I have dealt with sadness for most of my life. It has presented itself in many forms, such as feelings of loneliness, anger, despair, and at times a complete existential crisis.
I wanted to be happy most of the time and did not want to feel sad. Was this too much to ask?
All my life, I have treated this as a problem that needed to be solved. I believed that there was indeed a solution, a truth that would reveal itself, a philosophy that would guide me. I have taken multiple personal journeys to unearth this truth, and below is a detailed retelling of one of them. A journey that genuinely changed my life.
Dear Readers, before I go on, I would like to present you with a disclaimer. This journey: insights, opinions, and thoughts that I have described below are entirely my own and are not to be considered, in any way, as expert help or advice. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms that I have mentioned in this piece, you may wish to seek help from friends/family or consult a mental health expert.
Although I am not an expert, I do have a lifetime of experience in this matter. I hope that you can resonate with what I have written, and some of you may also find it helpful.
The starting point:
This journey wasn’t all about sadness in the beginning.
It started with me trying to gain complete awareness of my thoughts. I wanted to understand what my mind does, especially during my free time. (Free time, would be the time in between tasks, rest time, and also when I was doing a job which doesn’t fully involve my mind, allowing it to wander). My initial objectives were to be aware of both positive and negative thoughts, repeat constructive thoughts, identify faulty patterns, and work on them.
After initial observations, I realized that I should first spend time, deciphering my thoughts, and understanding what they were actually about, (before I could pile them under positive or negative).
I figured out that I could broadly divide my thoughts into two halves; the first one was about trying to be happier. I would classify my thoughts and subsequent activities into two sub-categories:
- The superficial, temporary ones: shopping, eating gourmet food, posting things on social media, creating experiences that make me feel special, and so on.
- The deeper, permanent ones: trying to actually improve who I was by watching videos about life-changing hacks, reading self-help books, articles, taking advice from others, and so on.
I do believe that these methods can be constructive in the right circumstances. However, for me, nothing lasted.
And the second half was about questioning myself about the lack of happiness: What is going wrong today? Why am I feeling this way? What should I do to make myself feel better?
When I asked these questions to myself, many simple and unsatisfactory responses would pop into my head, such as, I didn’t sleep well yesterday, I woke up late and thus started my day on a wrong note; there was an unusual amount of traffic on my way to work; my day is not going as planned; X is so annoying; I am not doing what I should be doing, or maybe I am doing it the wrong way; or am I just a self sabotager who doesn’t like to be happy?
This series of thoughts and realizations led me to a rather existential question:
Is this what my life is all about, being possessed by happiness?
I found myself diving into a rabbit hole and asking myself questions about the definition of happiness; it’s elusiveness, worthiness, and finding a justification for the effort spent in trying to be happy.
What causes sadness?
My dive and subsequent digging around didn’t help; instead, it unearthed more problems. I felt exhausted, as any amount or depth of thoughts, did not seem to direct me towards any answers. In exasperation, I decided to start with the crux of the matter, why did I feel sad?
I started observing my behavior acutely, across multiple (negative) situations, and tried to figure out my process of feeling sad. It turns out, it wasn’t that difficult to determine, and I documented the same, using the following diagram:
Let me illustrate with an example:
I ordered a face cream recently, which I felt confident about, as I had understood my needs, completed (tons of) research, and found a reasonably priced option. I was happy, having found a solution to my (skin) problems, and a feeling of accomplishment occupied my mind during the period between placing the order and its delivery.
Alas, I found the product to be substandard.
I doubted my opinion, as it had rave reviews online (on multiple sources). I obsessed over it and used it a couple of times, watched a few (more) tutorials, and followed different ways of using it, but my opinion did not change. Actually, I think it may have harmed my skin, and this made me angry.
Everyone else seems to have figured out their skincare routine, and are buying one product after another, why am I the only person who can’t even find a basic cream?
Then, I asked myself questions about the adequateness of my research, my thought processes before ordering the item, and my ability to understand the necessary parameters. Another level of questions and comments followed that led to doubt, sprinkled with a generous dose of self-shaming. These were about the importance of such a product in my life, my vanity, fragile mental state, and inability to let go of the little things.
Eventually, I decided to get over this incident and convinced myself that I would not be upset over this anymore. But, unfortunately, the next thing that didn’t go my way, set my thoughts off, again. This led to me have a sad day.
Within this observation period, I found out that most of my days were sad. I could generalize the same for the rest of my life, as well. I found it impossible to leave this phenomenon as it is. I needed to do something about it.
As what I already knew, was not generating any results, I started from a fresh slate. The logical conclusion was that before turning a sad moment into a happy one or avoiding it, I needed to learn how to cope with it effectively.
“The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue.” — Antisthenes
Deconstructing my sadness:
Soon, I embarked on a solution finding mission (through a series of rational thoughts and actions).
The first one was a rather simple solution: trying to implement quick fixes or band-aids. Example: watch a feel-good movie, order some food, read something, take a nap, and the like.
But, what happens if I feel like doing this very often? It would mess with my productivity, goals, and life, as I intend to live it.
The second solution was to opt for something long term, similar to my attempts to improve myself (to be happier), but implemented at the precise moment when I am feeling sad, hoping for increased determination, motivation, and better absorption of information. Examples: reading good books, looking for solutions online, and self-help.
This option took me back to square one, as I would now be spending my life trying not to be sad, which (in my then opinion) was majorly the same thing as trying to be happy.
Discarding these solutions, and keeping on with my mission for over six months, I finally arrived at a philosophy, which could work. This would be one of the most challenging things that I will have to do in my life, albeit equally necessary.
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” — G. K. Chesterton
- The first thing that I needed to do was to accept that I had a predisposition of sadness. I did not walk around with the sun shining over my head; instead, I walked with dark clouds. I am wired this way, for better or for worse. Of course, I could improve, but to become better, I needed to accept who I was first. If I start each day thinking that YES! Today is going to be bright and sunny, and I am going to be happy, and everything is going to be great, I would be setting myself up for disappointment.
- Secondly, I realized that I did not know what happiness actually meant (to me). Did I expect every day and every moment to be unique? Was I looking for a better life? Was I aspiring to be more successful? The answer (that I figured out) was actually quite surprising and yet simple. I sincerely hoped to just get through each day. I hated feeling low, sad, or unhappy.
- Unhappy is a fascinating and complicated word. Let me replace it with a simpler one, not-normal. So, what is normal? The answer to this is something very personal and subjective for each person. For me, being normal meant merely being myself. So, if I can understand and accept who I am, is it really going to be difficult to be me?
- Lastly, I needed to stop doubting and criticizing myself. Yes, I get sad often. What changes/adjustments I can make so that I don’t feel so (most of the time), could be dealt with later. Before I try to unravel my mysterious mind, I needed to respect my feelings first. Then I needed to understand that trying to solve this significant problem, while I am already sad, is next to impossible. When I am sad (and the pep talk that I am giving myself is not working), I need to accept it. I should not question myself at this precise moment; nothing good would come out of it. What I needed to do is ride it out, so that I can reach an okay-normal phase where I can be rational and analyze my thoughts, actions, behavior, and eventually work on improving them.
The Practical Implementation
- When I was sad, I let myself feel sad and waited (patiently) for the feeling to pass. I gave myself temporary comfort to make this process easier: eating a soupy bowl of ramen, bundling up in my favorite blanket, and binging Gilmore Girls on Netflix. To my utter surprise, it did pass, and also lasted for a shorter duration than before.
- I tried (incredibly hard) to not let my mind be bogged down, with questions leading to self-doubt, or multitasking by feeling sad and troubleshooting at the same time. I kept bringing myself back to the present moment, and let myself be (with my feelings). I was able to skip the terrible exhaustion (that I felt earlier) and recover to normal, soon.
- At times I couldn’t think or see anything clearly. My mind shut down, and I refused to think or talk about what I was going through. I told myself that this is okay, as to be able to talk about it, I needed to gather my thoughts, and for gathering my thoughts, I needed my mind to be clear.
- If I did not feel ready, I could rest and let my mind be free. This, self-affirmation, (all by itself), helped substantially. Earlier, I would start feeling bad about not being able to explain the cause behind my sadness and would question the purpose of its existence. This would lead to self-blame and would cause a spike in my level of grief. Then, I would be sad about being sad. Now, it was nice to be able to check myself out, take some time off, and lie in bed. I repeatedly told myself that this was okay. I would have lied down if I had a stomach ache, why not do the same now? Why pressurize myself that I need to get over it?
- When I eventually reached a comfortable position where I could analyze my behavior, I started my investigation and conversed with myself: What was the first thing that made me upset? What was the first low feeling? Was there anything more profound? If yes, then, keep that aside, for now. Could I have done something differently at the moment? If yes, make a note of it (no pressure, just make a note). If it’s something deeper, delve into it (again, there’s no hurry). Take time to understand the why and the how, look for repetitive patterns, look at it from a broader perspective.
- Example: What motivated me to buy this face cream? Did I buy it for a purpose? Did I buy it to feel happy? Did it mean something more to me? It turns out, it did. I considered this to be a simple task and was looking for an easy win, a tiny accomplishment. That assumption was wrong, as what seems easy does not necessarily mean its easy for me.
- I wound up finding the solution as well. I should have done more research about my skin type (which was complicated) and less for the right/popular product. Since then, (after some trial and error), I have been able to identify my skin concerns, figure out a skincare routine that works, and develop a buying guide for myself. Things aren’t perfect, and I am no expert, but I am okay. Now, I can feel accomplished when I make the right choice and allow myself to feel sad when I make the wrong one. Then I start all over again.
The lessons I learned:
“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.”― C. JoyBell C.
After experiencing this method several times, I happened to pick up a few things, both expected and unexpected.
I learned to be proactive about situations and prevent sadness. Let me illustrate with an example:
*Alert: Lengthy conversation with myself ahead* (I am naming the voice inside my head as she and myself as me for clarity)
Me: I want to go out.
She: Okay, why do you want to go out?
Me: I want to eat something.
She: Have you considered ordering some food, as you usually don’t like the hassle of going out and being in crowded places.
Me: No, I still want to go out; it’s been a while.
She: Think it through, getting ready, a lot of people, bad weather, bad food, there are just too many uncertainties. Do you remember the last time? You wanted to come back home after one hour.
Consider the option of ordering food; if you go out, you would be spending X amount of money, why not increase the ordering in budget and get food from a fancy place? Maybe select an excellent series to watch?
Me: Yes, that sounds great. But, what if I keep feeling bad about the fact that I didn’t go out this weekend?
She: That’s okay, it’s not a current problem. At this moment, you are making the best decision that you can. Let’s make a note to try to go out next weekend (if the feeling persists). Make a detailed plan, based on what you want.
Thus, I was able to question the motivation behind an urge and analyze the pros and cons of going through with the situation. I understood the situation entirely, predicted my behavior, and chose the high probability * low-risk scenario of being normal over the low probability * high-risk scenario that would have led me to feel sad.
By giving up trying to control my feelings, I stumbled upon one of the greatest truths of life (for me). I, just me, minus the social media pictures of people jumping over cliffs, am not really looking for happiness. Yes, occasionally, I would still want to feel special, but on a regular day, I am looking to be comfortable. I want to be me.
It’s okay if I like staying in on a Saturday night. Am I delighted? No. Would I have been happier if I would have gone through planning, getting ready, spending money, and going out? There’s a 99% chance of no.
“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”― Brené Brown
The current goal of my life is to be okay. I realized that although I like the highs, I am unwilling to take the effort and risk/s to attain them. I am also vehemently opposed to suffering the lows if the situation doesn’t go my way. Thus, I settled for being normal (okay). And for my sad days, I am building my comfort kit: things to watch, eat, ways to rest and recharge my mind.
At the end of my journey, I ask myself: Was I able to cope with sadness? Did I find a cure?
No. I don’t think a (single) cure or solution exists.
I believe that I have completed the first of a series of journeys, or crossed the first milestone, of what is now going to be a long journey of eventually overcoming, being in control of my sadness.
Two weeks before publishing this piece, I cried for most of the night and could not fall asleep. I was in so much pain that I could not control it. But, I was able to bounce back. This milestone has been very crucial for me,(perhaps the most crucial one) as I have gained something invaluable during this process, and that is belief.
This belief in myself enables me to be strong, and continue on my path, no matter the obstacles and hurdles. If I slip and slide back into old (destructive) patterns, I will (give myself time to) get back up, not criticize myself (for falling), and carry on.
“Though the road’s been rocky it sure feels good to me.”― Bob Marley
I have unarguably spent most of my life feeling unhappy, and now, I can say for a fact, that most of the time, I am okay. I have lesser and shorter sad days. Over time, my analyzing powers have gotten better, and so has my ability to predict an upcoming situation. I am now better equipped to attack this problem from both sides.
In this uncertain world, I have found one certain thing: the more time I spend, looking inward, constructively understanding myself, accepting and loving myself, my life gets simpler. It’s not the life that I always desired, but it is the life that I needed.
