SELF-LOVE

How I Perfected my Recipe for Me-Time

And learned to enjoy every moment of it

Debdutta Pal

Published in

Gumusservi

18 min readApr 18, 2020

Have you ever had this experience, where you are so close to the finish line that you can see the fireworks, but can’t reach it? What you previously thought to be easy, that last mile, exposes itself to be a maze. You don’t want to lose momentum, so you keep trying, but whatever you do, you cannot seem to reach your destination. Unfortunately, I have.

Back in 2017, one of my most significant achievements was completing this crucial journey: Learning the art of spending time with myself. I was finally able to view alone time as a pleasurable activity, and I was plenty proud of myself. I had unearthed the most underrated thing in life and now could look forward to a beautiful future. Or so I thought.

This taste of victory was rather short-lived as now I couldn’t figure out how to fill this time. Although there was an abundance of information about things that I could do, not so much was available about how I could create a personalized set of activities that were right for me.

At the end of a “me” day, I wanted to feel a sense of accomplishment that I have spent this time in the best possible way. I wanted to feel fulfilled, as well as pumped up to get back to my life. Maybe it was too much to ask. While trying out different ideas and attempting to figure things out, I often had this question at the back of my mind, which I couldn’t shake off:

Can anyone else really tell me how to spend my alone time?

Another substantial issue was a lack of enjoyment. I spent all of my time in productive activities and didn’t allow myself the (much needed) opportunity to kick back and relax. To be candid, I didn’t know if this question had an answer. Maybe, I was the only one trying to find a way to enjoy just by myself.

Is it possible to throw a party for one, that isn’t a pity party?

This unsolvable problem took me back to the beginning of my journey. Ten years ago, I detested solitude. I would never admit this then because it would make me sound vulnerable and needy, but passing the time was an uphill struggle for me, whenever I was alone. I considered this to be a miserable part of my existence. I would never label the time spent with myself as pleasant or valuable in any way.

In my free time, I would listen to music, watch movies/shows, play games, but never really enjoy them. Sometimes, I would chat with friends (online), but not to spend time with them, but to pass the hour. On other occasions, I would use my imagination to place myself in happier (hypothetical) situations and dream of a better life.

My primary aim was to remain as distant from my thoughts as possible. I would create a certain disconnect from reality. At night, I would aimlessly drift through the house, have a midnight snack or two, and hope to fall asleep as soon as possible. Later, I would congratulate myself on having made it through the day without falling apart.

Alas, this was not always possible. I couldn’t bring myself to neutral grounds on lonely Friday nights. I didn’t know how to be okay with the fact that I was going to spend New Year’s eve alone. And sometimes, just like that on a regular solitary day, a tsunami of negative thoughts would come crashing.

I would question my existence, feel sad for myself, simultaneously think that something is very wrong with me as this experience doesn’t seem normal, and cry myself to sleep.

Reliving these moments helped me gain some (much needed) perspective. I told myself, If I could get through such an arduous voyage, I can do this too. I can figure out how to spend my me-time satisfactorily. And eventually, things did work out. Over a decade, I was not only able to learn the value of alone time but also create not one but two perfect recipes for myself.

I want to share parts of my journey with you, and tell you that there’s hope. If I can do this, anyone can. We deserve to spend time with ourselves, get to know ourselves, and emerge happier from this experience. From this piece, you may be able to learn what to do, or you can learn what not to do, or maybe, just maybe it will inspire you to start a journey of your own.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.” ― Emily Dickinson

Phase 0 — Learning the basics of me-time:

Before I jump into my journey, I would like to highlight something important. Something that I needed to master before starting to take me-time and that is being comfortable with solitude.

In my opinion, many resources for this topic begin from the middle by directly listing different things that you can do during your alone time. They do so because we want short answers. We want to believe that our me-time can be triumphant by reading a few how-to articles. But I am a living example of the fact that this is not the case.

Before we start walking on this path, it is imperative to do these two things:

Learn how to spend time with yourself
Identify how you want to spend your downtime.

Think about this, if you aren’t comfortable with yourself, or if you can’t bear to be alone with your negative thoughts if you constantly check your phone to disconnect from reality, how can you begin to enjoy me-time?

Why is it necessary?

There are many reasons why we should spend time with ourselves. I don’t consider this practice to be optional. I also believe that everyone has a unique set of needs from this time. But, at its core, me-time is necessary as it helps us to take a pause. It jerks us out of autopilot mode and compels us to relax, reflect, and introspect.

It allows us to ask difficult questions. We can figure out if we are doing all the things in life that we want to. We can rest and rejuvenate. We can also use this time to improve ourselves and engage in constructive hobbies.

I like to look at this time as a checkpoint. I check in with myself, is everything okay? And allow me ample time to answer.

And finally, what does it mean to you?

Before you read any more articles about this topic, even this one, I urge you to take a pause. Take up this exercise of defining what me-time means to you. Maybe write a few words about it and use them to create a set of objectives. Ask yourself, what do you want from this time?

The absence of a purpose was a prominent roadblock that hindered my journey. I didn’t know what I wanted from this time, or how I wanted it to add value to my life and yet I was impatient and frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t able to use this time wisely.

“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality, and duplicate it.” — Bruce Lee

Phase 1 — My alone time is overcrowded.

Now, let me explain the problem at hand. This challenge grew prominent when I went through a series of life changes. I had just started a (lengthy) break from my full-time career and had decided to dedicate the early portion to some rest and recuperation. Somehow, I had too much alone time, and I didn’t know what to do with it.

Within the first few weeks itself, ennui hit me. Once again, I started researching solutions on the internet. I found an unbelievable amount of resources (articles, videos, e-books, self-help guides) and consumed all of them, hoping to learn about how to utilize alone time, optimally. My research yielded many lucrative and worthy options. If I could outline the broad categories, they would be:

Learning new skills (courses, training)
Hobbies (creative ones: such as painting, sewing)
Self-care (physical and psychological)
Self-improvement (reading, journaling, exercise, meditation, and the like)
Finishing pending items off your to-do list

There were a plethora of ideas out there which I hadn’t tried before. Also, reading about others’ positive experiences made me feel very excited about the unlimited possibility of self-growth. If only, I could learn to spend my alone time, the right way. So, I did it all:

I took up some online courses.
Got on top of my household chores
Picked up new hobbies and stuck with them
Renovated my kitchen
I started taking spa days.
Read a few literary classics.
I started investing in skincare.
I journaled frequently
Completed many DIY and decor projects
And I consumed more material about this topic.

The list goes on. Each activity taught me something and helped me improve myself, but none helped me feel rested or recharged. On the contrary, I was under severe pressure about my me-time. I was continually planning it. I was also never sure of things and had frequent doubts about each activity I was doing.

If I make a painting, is it complete if it does not resemble the (easy) ones on Pinterest? How much time spent on self-indulgence too much time. How many pages did I read today?
My “me” day is so dull when compared to the vlogs on Youtube. When I write about what I did today (as part of a daily exercise), will I be happy with what I see?

During the initial trials, I spent about a quarter of my alone time grappling with indecision about what to do. To compensate for this, I would obsessively fill the remaining period with as many activities as possible. Yet, I always ended this day with a feeling of lasting regret that I couldn’t optimize this time adequately.

At times I felt more anxious and stressed during my alone time than my regular days, as I was always bothered about a perfect outcome. After spending a considerable amount of time in this mindset, I realized that I needed to dial it down. If I get obsessed with filling up my alone time with the most meaningful activities or having something to show for it, each time, I will lose the very purpose of spending time with myself.

My me-time absolutely could not mimic my real life. One of the primary reasons I needed it was to escape from my busy schedule. I wanted to spend time with myself to decompress, relax, allow my thoughts to run free, and engage in activities that would help me unwind.

“Not I, nor anyone else, can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere — on water and land.”― Walt Whitman

Phase 2 — I am going to fix this.

I decided to take a closer look at things and try to identify problem areas.

On the positive side, I was trying my hand at many new things, smoothly transitioning from one activity to another. I was able to build hobbies and even enjoy them in a short period. I was active and constantly firing up my brain with new information. I was getting so much done, but why wasn’t I happy?

After much contemplation, I realized that I wasn’t content, because all of this was work, for me. Thus, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that instead of feeling rested and recharged, I was often anxious and tired.

Now, let me share an unpopular opinion; putting on a face mask doesn’t make me feel relaxed. The possibility of ruining my painting gives me severe anxiety, and a DIY project not going my way can leave me devastated.

Every idea, everything that I had learned was worth it, but it wasn’t what I needed. Many of these activities would go on to become an integral part of my life, some of them will even become routine, but I would like to label ALL of them as work.

Reading a book takes effort. Doing my nails takes some serious skill and effort. Home decor projects can have many ups and downs and don’t even get me started on exercise. All of these things are important, but are they ideal for my alone time? I needed to make things simpler for myself.

The execution of reforming my alone time was harder than expected. It was weird to stare at an empty to-do list. I felt like I couldn’t justify taking me-time to myself, or anyone else, if I hadn’t achieved much during it. I found myself in a state of confusion once again, as I couldn’t determine the right balance of activities and rest.

For example: on a Friday evening, when my partner was going out with his friends, I had some free time, which I was very excited to spend by having fun on my own. I planned to watch a three-hour period-film on my TV and relax. But, I also made a three-course meal for myself. I had seen such a video on Youtube, and it seemed like a great idea. I wanted to do something fancy for myself.

At the end of the evening, I asked myself, why didn’t I simply order some food? Would it not be a successful me-time if I didn’t put in any effort?

Next, I tried my classic move of not doing anything: just lying in bed and binging Netflix. If I had a steady supply of junk food and did not change out of my pajamas, I could lie in one spot for days (if I wanted to). Although this activity made me feel rested, something was still not right.

What came after doing nothing was guilt and a reluctance to go back to reality. It seemed as if everyone was ahead of me, people were doing a million things in their alone time, becoming better at everything, and I had just escaped and accomplished nothing.

I was out of moves and didn’t have a single reliable solution for my me-time problems. I didn’t want to accept that I was struggling so much with something that’s supposed to be simple. I just wanted to be done with it. But, after putting in so much effort behind this process, I couldn’t let it go. I made myself believe that I was indeed close to the finish line, and I just needed to keep trying.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be perfectly okay with being who YOU are. Fully embrace yourself, flaws, and all. Love yourself right where you are. Strive to do better, but don’t beat yourself up for every shortcoming that you may have. Be brave in your journey! Hold your head up high, and keep moving forward.”― Stephanie Lahart

Phase 3: I have got this, I think.

Eventually, after trying out a variety of ideas in different permutations and combinations, things did work out. I learned a lot during this period. This process of trial and error led to the culmination of my journey, wherein with help from my past experiences, I was able to create not one, but two personalized recipes for my me-time.

First, here’s a summary of my learnings:

Ditching productivity: For me, productivity and alone time, never gelled together. In my free time, I needed to be completely relaxed. I couldn’t worry about whether I am doing this task well, then the next, and also about time running out. I needed to accept that this is not for me. For a person who is high strung and anxious in her daily life, alone time needs to be the opposite of it. I needed to let go of the expectation of accomplishments from this time.
Don’t Show: What I did in my free time, didn’t need to be show-worthy. I wasn’t trying to create masterpieces; I was unwinding. I didn’t need to show anyone else what I did during this time. The end cannot be a physical act like posting pictures of my home decor project on social media; it is a psychological thing. If my kitchen makeover was not pinteresty, was it worth doing? Was I successful? Yes. (I completed a project from start to finish. I conceived of an idea, bought things, executed several tasks, and added finishing touches in four days.) I fulfilled all my needs, and that should be the end of it. I needed to validate myself.
Learn from the Bros: I can’t speak for all men, but the men that I know, have got this right. Hand them a beer and stick them in front of a TV and they are happy. Alone time is simple, relaxing, and guilt-free. I needed to get out of my head, where alone time had become this vast concept that had to be figured out and perfected. Sometimes things can be simple. For example: If I am feeling tired one weekend, I shouldn’t plan activities; instead, I should watch movies, eat good food, and catch up on my sleep.
Understanding what I need: I have needs from my me-time, which I could not ignore. I can reserve some of it for rest, but I needed to customize the remaining time for my interests. I wanted to not only process my thoughts but also grow them. I want to exercise the creative part of my brain and fully immerse myself in an activity. I needed to curate tasks for myself, and determine how to do them, so that they leave me feeling content and refreshed.

Next, here are my two recipes for alone time:

#1 — Hobby time:

I use this recipe when I need a break from my daily routine. I prefer to engage my brain in different, creatively stimulating exercises. When I started focusing solely on these activities and stopped assigning time limits, I was able to lose myself in them. They also enabled me to gain a sense of accomplishment and closure as I was creating something from nothing and also seeing it through from start to finish.

I repurposed all the other activities (from my list). I stopped doing some of them and incorporated others (which were beneficial to me) in my daily life. I dedicated my alone time exclusively for hobbies that I could control.

Starting to do things, just for myself, made all the difference. If I create paintings, I don’t necessarily need to get better at it, and one day sell it on Etsy. It can be just for me.

Painting has been one of my most gratifying hobbies and has also significantly contributed to reducing my anxiety. Sometimes I mess up and go on to convert the art into an abstract piece. At other times I surprise myself, and can’t stop staring at the beautiful creation in front of me. I love all my work as I have put a lot of effort into it and they wind up adorning the walls of my home. That’s enough for me.

I don’t set goals for this day. I start with some ideas instead, and ask myself what I am going to create today? It may be a doodle, a sketch, or a complete painting. I like to follow a slow pace and also let myself enjoy every bit of the process. I often pair two different hobbies together. For example, a mixture of painting and reading (for pleasure) is perfect for me.

Changing my approach transformed my me-time. My hobbies no longer gave me anxiety. Sometimes, I get so engrossed in them that I often forget about everything else and lose track of time. Also, magically, I am now finding it very easy to love and cherish all my creations.

Now, engaging in my hobbies, for even an hour at a time, does the trick for me. I feel peaceful, rejuvenated, and always come out of the activity, feeling content.

#2 — Throwing a party for one:

This recipe is for when I need to rest my brain and wish to have some fun as well.

Why should social people have all the fun?

I was able to curate this recipe by changing my mindset. I asked myself, why do I think that staying at home is sad? Why am I embarrassed to tell people that I did nothing this weekend?

I cannot change who I am. My idea of fun isn’t getting ready for four hours, wearing uncomfortable clothes, and bearing through loud music. Sure, I can do that sometimes, but my real idea of fun is staying at home, being comfortable, and entertaining myself.

If I had to throw a house party or host even a small gathering of friends, I would put so much effort into organizing the event. I would plan everything down to the last detail, clean my house, arrange food and beverages, queue up my playlist, get a few games, and ensure that everyone has a fabulous time.

I once spent two entire days planning and organizing things for a gathering of three friends. I didn’t consider that a waste of time, instead I thought that it was time well spent, as the night was super fun (in my opinion).

Why couldn’t I put a fraction of this effort for myself?

Thus, the recipe for my party for one was born. I would take some effort to plan it. I would decide what to watch, acquire my special snacks, order food from my favorite places, get comfortable, chill, and have fun.

Soon, this act became natural for me. I didn’t even need to plan every one of these. A couple of weeks ago, I had an impromptu one on a Friday night. My partner was asleep, and my insomnia was keeping me up, and I decided to have fun. I got some popcorn and cheese from the fridge, watched a (much awaited) movie, and had a fantastic time, all from my bed.

Every time I try this, it successfully shuts (many parts of) my brain off, and I always end up feeling rested. I also feel geared up to get back to reality and face the next day.

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail — or if you’re not the best — it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome. They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.”― Carol S. Dweck

So did I figure out how to spend my me-time and also enjoy it?

Yes, Absolutely!

I couldn’t have possibly imagined such a gratifying end to my journey. I feel proud of how far I have come, from once detesting alone time to now thoroughly enjoying it.

If I had to highlight a defining moment, a turning point, it would be gaining the confidence to state how I like to spend my alone time.

It may sound simple, but think about it, who other than yourself should decide how you should spend your free time? When your idea of a “me” day vastly differs from the popular choices, it’s essential to validate your own opinion and remind yourself that you deserve this time.

In my opinion, we all need to spend some time by ourselves. It could be to rest, pick up new skills, or reflect on things and grow as a person. Every information out there can act as a source of inspiration, but at the end of the day, we need to define our unique needs. We can create a customized set of activities or maybe none at all, to get what we need from this time.

“We need solitude, because when we’re alone, we’re free from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts.”― Tamim Ansary

If you choose to embark on a similar path, here are some tips, from a fellow traveler:

First, make yourself believe that you deserve this. Yes, you have one life and limited time on this earth, but answer this, can it be fulfilled without taking care of yourself?
Next, list your needs. The starting point needs to be from within you. Take some time and understand what you are looking for, what you wish to do, and what you want to gain from your time.
Cut out the noise. Before you start researching and following tips from an article (even this one), try doing your own thing. There is little chance that you get it right in the first attempt, but it will be a great learning opportunity. Observe your behavior and make notes.
Choose creativity over productivity. Instead of obsessing over how much you can accomplish, ask yourself what you want to create today. Rather than filling up your time, think of using it for the most rewarding/fulfilling activity.
Choose the right activities: What you choose to do in your free time, should be guided by your needs, comfort, and preferences. It should not be about someone else’s ideas or even your version of an ideal “me” day. Your day/time needs to be right for you. For example, I no longer consider taking a spa day to be relaxing; I find it to be a task. That’s my opinion, and no matter how many times I come across this idea, I am not going to include a pedicure to my me-time.
Invest in the process. When you create your recipe for alone time, don’t expect it to work on the first try. It’s not supposed to be this way. Take as much time as you need; keep trying and learning, and soon you will end up perfecting it to your satisfaction.

I found figuring this out for myself to be extremely rewarding. I am still learning things, and it has been a pleasure to do so from a positive place. I am slowly learning new hobbies, expanding current ones, and also mastering the art of doing nothing. Living with myself has never been easier.