16. The power of solitude
Last night I spent an evening at home alone. Yvonne was working, Christopher was at school. Even the kittens were hunkered down on the bed in the other room, napping and grooming each other.
I did a few chores, ate cereal for dinner, spent time writing, answered a few emails, and researched the Yoruban goddess Oshun, which led me to watching Beyonce’s “Hold Up” video several times in succession. I didn’t feel anxious, didn’t feel the need to phone anyone or go anywhere. It wasn’t a monumental evening, but I had a quiet contentment in spending time with myself. I experienced a pleasurable solitude.
When is the last time you had time alone, and did you enjoy it?
It wasn’t always this way. I’m an only child, and my mother worked a fulltime job the whole time I was growing up. After school, I came home to an empty house. I was not allowed to invite my friends in when no one was there to supervise, or to go anywhere except my house. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I had chores — dishes and bed-making, tidying up the living room and emptying cigarette butts out of the giant ashtray on the coffee table. I’d listen to Motown music on the radio, dancing around the kitchen. Sometimes I talked on the phone to my friend Denise, whose mother also had a job. I don’t know why I wasn’t interested in the TV, but I never remember turning it on for companionship. I must have done homework, but I don’t recall that taking up much time. Sometimes I would bake cookies or cake or make fudge, soothing myself with the sugary results.
When I was a little older, I’d play records on the stereo — Simon and Garfunkel, Janis Ian, the Moody Blues — the perfect soundtrack to the loneliness of those long afternoons. Or I’d practice the guitar, which I was teaching myself to play, plunking out more mournful songs.
Being alone felt like punishment to my child and adolescent self, and it set my adult mind to view aloneness as a negative thing, as if the whole world were neglecting or rejecting me. I developed behaviors designed to keep me from being alone: I fell into and stayed in relationships that were not appropriate for me. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would be out all the time, sometimes every night of the week, so I’d only really come home to sleep and then bounce out again in the morning.
During periods when I was single, I would feel like being unpartnered was an indictment, proof of my being inherently unlovable, rather than an opportunity to spend some quality time with myself. “Time with myself” definitely seemed inferior to time with someone, almost anyone else. I didn’t know how to be good company for myself.
I would spend my alone time trying to avoid feelings of loneliness, rather than savoring solitude. Before I got sober, I would use drugs and alcohol to numb those feelings. Later, I might use television or books or workaholism. I’d keep constantly busy, staying late at my nonprofit job or serving on volunteer committees or attending cultural events — not that these activities are inherently bad, but they can be when you use them to avoid yourself. That’s what I had been doing since childhood.
When no one else is around, do you feel happy or deprived? Do you provide good company for yourself, or do you feel resourceless without the presence of another person? Are you content when you don’t have a romantic partner, or do you feel somehow incomplete? Can you savor alone time, or does loneliness descend?
When my mother’s husband died, she was 84 years old and felt it was “too late” for her to try to start making new friends. Many of her long-time friends had also died, as had her sister. I live in Los Angeles, 2000 miles from her home in Michigan. Although I did what I could to staunch her loneliness — I emailed and called her daily and visited for a week every two months — there were so many lonely hours for her to get through. At one point I enrolled her in an online dating service, and for a while that was engaging for her, but she couldn’t find a man who wanted what she wanted, companionship.
A report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) finds that nearly one-fourth of adults aged 65 and older are socially isolated. Factors such as living alone, loss of family and friends, chronic illness, and hearing loss all contribute to this isolation. Women are more likely than men to experience this aloneness. Especially vulnerable to debilitating loneliness are first-generation immigrants, LGBTQ individuals, and victims of elder abuse. The Center for Disease Control states that social isolation can result in negative health effects, including an increased risk of dementia, heart disease and stroke, and depression, anxiety, and suicide.
If you’re wondering why I am touting the virtues of solitude after presenting evidence of its downsides, let me make a distinction between enforced aloneness and solitude that is chosen.
When we feel our aloneness has been inflicted upon us, it is painful. We feel lonely. But if we choose solitude, whether for a few hours a day or as a lifestyle, it can feel creative, empowering, even joyful. In solitude we can go deep within and build a more authentic relationship with ourselves.
Social situations may require us to follow certain norms or adopt the prevailing mindset of another individual or group. If we spend all our time being social, we may not have the opportunity to develop our authenticity. We fall under the sway of the opinions, needs, and expectations of others, or we may find ourselves distracted from our own concerns in their company. We may not even have the opportunity to consider what we really think or feel about an issue until we have the chance to go inward and explore its meaning.
Kenneth Rubin, a developmental psychologist at the University of Maryland, has defined certain preconditions that make solitude productive or useful to individuals. He calls them the “ifs.” Solitude can be rewarding:
• if it is voluntary,
• if one is able to regulate their emotions,
• if one has the option to socialize when one wants to, and
• if one is also able to maintain positive relationships in their life.
Are there times in your life when you choose solitude over socialization because it feels pleasurable or better meets your needs in that moment? Do your partner, friends, or family support your choice?
Some of you may be thinking, “Solitude? What’s that? I can’t even find private time in the bathroom!” It might feel like solitude is a luxury you can’t afford. This can be true for women raising young children or taking care of aging parents, as well as for those living with extended family members or friends where space is limited. Not every culture or family recognizes the value of solitude, particularly not for women. There may be a belief that your job is to be taking care of their needs, not your own.
I encourage everyone who can to be creative in finding even a few minutes a day of alone time. Stopping at the park for a few minutes on the way home from work, engaging your children in some moments of quiet time with you, asking a friend or your partner to handle the responsibilities to give you a break (and then reciprocating for them), or just taking the opportunity to step outside the front door are all strategies that may provide this time for you. It doesn’t have to be a month away in a cabin in the woods. Five minutes of standing on your front porch watching clouds in the sky can provide a powerful reset.
Okay, so you’ve carved out a little time to be alone. Now what?
In contemporary Western culture, most of us are not trained to keep company with our own minds. In a study at the University of Virginia, one quarter of female participants and two-thirds of male participants preferred to receive an electric shock than to be alone with their thoughts. Too many of us are in the habit of using our minds to torture ourselves with negative self-talk, reflecting on old injuries, bad memories, guilt, resentment, and regret. No wonder we don’t want to hang out with that. (See “The power of meditation” to find some techniques for gaining mastery over your mind.)
Guru Grrrl appreciates the importance of inner reflection to be able process experiences and to identify the feelings one is having about those experiences. When I practice this, I’m able to make decisions through the filter of my values and my goals, to contemplate my actions and how they are leading me to my destiny. Of course, you can talk about such matters with loved ones or close friends, but sometimes people respond based on what they would do or how your actions might affect them. There is no substitute for exploring or writing about an issue in solitude.
I recently went through a bout of feeling pretty down about life and I considered going back into therapy. I did a little research, then found myself wishing I could reconnect with my former therapist. I learned that she’s retired. So I gave myself time to sit and imagine a conversation with her and found myself comforted by it. I made a list of topics I wanted to discuss, and am committing time to writing about each, as if I were writing to her. Imagining the presence of another seems to deliver both the benefits of solitude as well as the sense of communing with another.
As a creative person, I love collaborating with other artists and working in community, but I still find that solitude is ideal for formulating a vision or finding a solution to a creative problem. Only in solitude can I begin to really listen to my inner voice. Not the critical voices I’ve absorbed from others, but the authentic voice that is there to guide me to my destiny.
Practice: Cultivate solitude
(If you want to listen to this practice, click here.)
If the power of solitude has eluded you, see if you can give yourself opportunities to cultivate it. Try some of the following:
• Take a walk in nature, in a park, or near water. Go by yourself and if
possible, pick a time when the environment won’t be crowded with
others. Stop for a while; sit by the water or under a tree. Experience
the quiet of your own mind.
• If you can get time alone in your living space (not always possible
with family or roommates!), put on some reflective music and just
listen to it. Or pull out a journal and do some writing about how
you’re feeling and what’s going on with you. Or record a dream
you’ve had recently.
• If your living situation doesn’t allow for solitude, take yourself out
for a walk or a drive. Keep the radio off and just allow your thoughts to
wander, while paying attention to the road, of course! A bike ride or even
public transportation can serve the same function. If you can find a
place that’s not too crowded or noisy, stop for coffee or tea and allow
yourself to be alone in public.
• If negative self-talk arises (you know, those voices in your head that
say mean things about you), gently contradict them. One of the voices
on my personal playlist tells me “No one loves you” or “no one is
ever going to love you,” but that’s not true. I can remind myself that
many people love me and, more important, I love myself. Those
voices do not belong to you; they were implanted in you by others,
probably when you were too young to contradict them, but it’s
important to not believe them. You can actually carve new
pathways in your brain when you replace these old messages with
new, affirming statements.
Guru Grrrl reminds us that it takes some effort and intention to cultivate the power of solitude in one’s life. With a little practice, you will learn how to be good company for yourself. You won’t feel as desperate for the company of others. And you will gain the power of solitude.
References
“Loneliness and Social Isolation Linked to Serious Health Conditions.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 29 Apr. 2021,
https://www.cdc.gov/aging/publications/features/lonely-older-adults.html#:~:text=Older%20adults%20are%20at%20increased,the%20amount %20of%20social%20contact.
Burton, Neel. “The Joy of Solitude.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 5 Nov. 2017, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201711/the-joy-solitude.
Crane, Brent. “Being Alone Can Be Good for Your Mental Health.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 31 Mar. 2017, https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/03/the-virtues-of-isolation/521100/.
Further reading
Iyer, Pico, and Einarsd́óttir Eydís. The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere. TED Books/Simon & Schuster, 2014.
