6. The power of responsibility
When you think about the issues in your life, who do you think is responsible for them?
There was a time when I believed my problems were everyone else’s fault — my parents, my lovers, my friends, society. If only they would change, my life would work better. If they would get sober. If they would just love me better. If they would recognize my value. If they would stop being sexist, racist, and homophobic. So, I figured I would just stay in my dysfunctional misery until they got it together. As you might imagine, it was going to be a very long wait.
In 1986, a friend recommended a workshop for Adult Children of Alcoholics taught by Jael Greenleaf. Jael taught us that when we grow up in an alcoholic family, we learn a lot of behavior patterns that may contribute to our survival as kids, but don’t serve us when we are adults. The whole idea behind the concept of adult children is that, due to the trauma we experienced, sometimes we never grow up. Some of us spend our entire lives not taking care of ourselves because we are unconsciously waiting for our parents to finally step up and take care of us. What a disempowered state to be in!
I don’t think this dynamic is unique to families with alcoholism. I’ve known lots of people who were not well parented due to poverty, incarceration, violence, mental health concerns, or absence. These…
