Anger
Sometimes it cripples out, it peaks from a distant door, others it sheds my skin to pieces, leaving me frantically gasping for air…
Anger swarms me, flooding my mind and thought. Walls raise around my rational self. I’m left with it, naked. Its wishes become my unconscious duty and I act.
But it’s not me who acts, it’s that. She is Anger.
I wish I could annihilate her, I wish I could extraniate from her.
Anger knocked at my door far too many years ago. I didn’t let it in. Relief filled me once I saw it walking away. Little did I know my relief would have been so short-lived. It came back stronger and stronger each time, pooling in from every crack. Like a hurricane She busted my protection, splinters of glass, pieces of wood. She gained control of me and unlocked an unrecoverable pass.
I breathe and breathe, breathe once more. Just one trigger …
It’s happening.
I feel my throat tightening and my nerves stiffen, my skin starts tingling.
Not again, please not again
My eyes go blank, those shades of green and brown, honey and a deep shade of oil darken into an unrecognisable pit.
I can’t constrain her.
They always told me that my eyes were magical, like the first time I climbed on a saddle. The rich perfume of leather that overwhelmed me. I had felt unstable, feet wondering around, not yet used to the stirrups. My hands brushed over the reins, worn out. Getting my hands in the correct position had been easier than expected. Sitting up right I had focused between the two ears of the horse. ‘Watch that little rectangle as if you were watching TV’. I was watching, admiring the riding field. Outdoors, I could spot the grains of sand that covered the floor. It was late afternoon, the footprints of the hooves of horses that had rode here before were quite visible. My attention got caught in the painted wood of the obstacles I would become familiar with later on. I had felt the purest feeling in my chest, of happiness and belonging.
‘Now walk’
I lifted my gaze to see my mum watching me.
‘When you’re truly happy it’s as if stars were shining in your eyes, like the sun reflected on the ripples of a lake’
I pressed my legs on the sides of the horse.
I resurface, scramblimg out of the pit.
I can’t remember what I’ve said. I’ll never discover what I’ve done. Around me there’s nothing, just a jar of honey and a bottle of oil.
Estrangement and memory loss are coping mechanisms.
Bouts of guilt, shame, ignorance, naivete, anguish, anger, sadness, despair, worry …
Numb.
And that’s even worse
Note: this is the 1st part of 2.
