Doing nothing can sometimes mean everything

Every day it seems I see another list of things feminist men can do as an ally to women. But doing things can be time consuming, or difficult, or inconvenient, I guess, because so many men — and let’s be honest, even women — still don’t do them.

In light of that, I thought I’d make a list of things that people who want to see equality for women cannot do. Because not doing things seems infinitely easier than . . . y’know . . . doing things.

• You can not talk about the way women in professional settings look, how they dress, what hairstyle they’ve chosen, or how much makeup they wear. Sure, you might sometimes point out some stray hair, or that the invitation clearly indicated this costume party had a strict Undead Gas Station theme. But most days, it’s completely irrelevant what any woman you ever encounter looks like. So just do not say anything on the matter. To anyone.

• You can not sit on panels, boards, and committees composed entirely or mostly of men. Do not believe that there are no women available. Unless you live in a very tiny, remote town, or you’re convening a subcommittee to explore personal experiences of jock itch, there are qualified women available.

• You can not explain things to women the same way you would to a child. Do not assume that if they don’t agree with you, they mustn’t understand the subject matter. When they do ask you good questions, do not answer the man standing beside them. That was three things, but they boil down to one: you cannot treat women like they’re less intelligent than you.

• You can not interrupt women in meetings. Maybe not men, either, but statistically speaking, the most common situation features a male interrupter and a female interruptee. Do not assume that whatever you have to say is more important or will be more eloquently stated.

• You can not turn your head to look at men who interrupt women when they’re speaking. Just keep looking at the woman who was talking first. Your interrupting acquaintance won’t think you rude. He’ll realize quickly that he’s opened his mouth when he should have not.

• You can not call women by any term of supposed endearment that you wouldn’t use for your least favourite uncle. Honey, sweetheart, and darling are all nice names for stuffed kittens, but not appropriate things to call a colleague, client, acquaintance, waitress, or really, anybody you’ve never seen naked. You don’t have to replace them with anything, just don’t say them.

• You can not indulge these behaviours in others. Do not believe that resistance is futile. Assimilate your asinine friends and colleagues into maturity by not bonding with them over being sexist. Speaking up would be, y’know, doing something, so I shan’t suggest that, but you could just not appear to be amused, impressed, or interested any time they do these things. Blank stares are the absolute height of doing nothing.

I hope this is a helpful guide for anyone who doesn’t want to do something about equality for women. I think most of us can commit the effort to not doing stuff, though. If, however, after all this, you have no inclination to not do some things in the name of equality, well, all that leaves is doing some things, and that works, too.

Originally published on July 30, 2015 in Amanda’s Startup City column in Our London.