Digital Lives and Marriage

Satisfying long term relationships will be built on more than physical just attraction.

They will be built on emotional and career value.

I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important. I’m saying other forms of attraction are needed to justify the heightened opportunity cost of exclusive relationships.

Today, pornography and dating apps offer instant sexual gratification outside a relationship and Netflix offers emotional gratification. Thus the added value of a long term relationship — the value on top of what’s otherwise available — is lower. Through Netflix and Pornography, we are instantly emotionally and sexually gratified. I’m not saying we get more gratification than a long term relationship, but it may reduce the additional value of a long term relationship.

Pornography is instantly accessible and free. You can watch endless new videos in each sitting. Not only that, you can watch multiple videos in one sitting. Not only that, you can rapidly tab-switch between videos playing simultaneously, quickly rewinding and fast forwarding to our taste. Thanks to free porn tubing sites and our devices’ computing power, the short term sexual gratification from heavy pornography may seem really high. Over time it may not only reduce the added value of a partner but eliminate it: porn induced erectile dysfunction from desensitized sexual reward systems make one unable to have sex.

Other short term sexual gratification can come from dating apps. By instantly tapping your dating app, you evaluate and interact with singles near you, whether or not you’re connected to them in your network. Localized dating networks of the past have been torn down. The new one, entirely delocalized, seemingly affords more opportunities. Whether or not they translate into real romance, this is at least the perception. Fake accounts and awkwardness meeting strangers happen, but the perception is there is more opportunity.

Dating apps are stimulating because users are single, looking for something. Unlike a bar where girls may be with boyfriends, they’re single. But there may be less information on dating apps and more pauses in communication than in the real world. Also by nature, it may attract those with less vibrant social lives who can’t meet others in person. And on the dating apps, until you meet you can’t establish a connection through your personality the same way you can in person.

The problem is artificial emotional and sexual gratification isn’t as satisfying. Although gratifying in the short term, it’s not satisfying in the long term. Pornography invalidates you as a voyeur and just hooking up.

But the appeal in the short term makes you need a really great relationship to resist them. Without one, you won’t work hard to keep it during conflict when you know you can find other emotional and sexual gratification instantly online. It reduces the short term pain of being alone, which may make people less able to push through conflict and keep a valuable relationship.

Emotional and sexual gratification are now instantly accessible commodities. While emotional and sexual satisfaction is found in relationships, one may more easily get short term emotional and sexual gratification online. The added value of a partner is lower, and short term temptations to end the relationship during conflict may be greater. What’s needed for a great relationship overcoming conflict in an era of these temptations is a high bar of physical, emotional, and yes, maybe even career attraction.

Purchase my book on digital addiction Now: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781732182196

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