Skeletons in Golden Closets

What’s behind that door?

Trump’s residence and office at Mar-a-Lago was raided by the F.B.I. today in an audacious move by a Justice Department which has taken criticism in the past for pulling punches. The search focused on material that Mr. Trump had brought with him to Mar-a-Lago when he left the White House, which allegedly contained many classified documents. They also cracked open one of Trump’s safe’s.

Trump, who campaigned for president in 2016 by criticizing Hillary Clinton’s practice of maintaining a private email server for government-related messages while she was secretary of state, was known throughout his term to rip up official material that was intended to be held for presidential archives. He was known to rip up pieces of official and sometimes classified paper that he was handed, forcing officials to tape them back together. An upcoming book by a New York Times reporter reveals that staff members would find clumps of torn-up paper clogging a toilet, and believed he had thrown them in. Toward the end of the administration, he ripped pictures that intrigued him out of the President’s Daily Brief. In one prominent example of how he dealt with classified material, Mr. Trump in 2019 took a highly classified spy satellite image of an Iranian missile launch site, declassified it and then released the photo on Twitter. (New York Times)

The law governing the preservation of White House materials, the Presidential Records Act, lacks teeth, but criminal statutes can come into play, especially in the case of classified material. Criminal codes, which carry jail time, can be used to prosecute anyone who “willfully injures or commits any depredation against any property of the United States” and anyone who “willfully and unlawfully conceals, removes, mutilates, obliterates or destroys” government documents.

“They even broke into my safe!”

— Donald Trump

Let’s jump back to that safe, though, right? I mean, what kinds of tawdry possibilities laid in wait for the poor, unfortunate soul tasked with opening that sordid, steel crypt. Who knows what kind of creepy, crawly skeletons ol’ Donald had buried there. One can only speculate what he’s kept locked away all these years……

• Naked baby pictures of daughter Ivana?
• Trump’s real medical records, showing he survives solely on Diet Coke and processed cheese??
• Falsified financial documents showing he ripped the government and taxpayers off for decades?
• Vincent Van Gogh’s left ear?
• His love letter from Kim Jong-un
• That mystery, Russian “pee tape” no one’s been able to unearth??
• Donald’s very first “Speak & Spell”? (still unmastered)
• The secret, alternate ending to Home Alone 2 where Trump doesn’t just cameo, he sends Kevin McCallister to the gulags and puts the house out to auction while the family’s away
• The very last report card Donald earned, before his parents decided to start buying his grades
• The bone spurs he used to dodge the Vietnam War
• The love for his children
• The very last bottle of his original hair dye, “Orange Dye #56,” which cannot be manufactured anymore because it’s worse for the environment than an oil spill? “Oil Spill” happens to be the color of the hair product Don Jr. uses, coincidentally.
• The S. S. Minnow
• Untold amounts of green shower porn — kind of like a golden shower, but you piss your money away instead
• Jimmy Hoffa’s body
• Carmen Sandiego
• The weapons of mass destruction from Iraq
• The Ark of the Covenant
• One McDonalds cheeseburger from 1989 labeled “In Case Of Emergency”
• The last stone from the Infinity Gauntlet
• A shrine to Vladimir Putin, complete with candles, religious-looking statues, and scribbled texts? Not scribbled in the sense they’re ancient, mind you, just scribbled because the poor bastard can’t read or write very well.
• Waldo.

Maybe it’s something juicy we can’t even conceive of yet. I can’t imagine what kind of dirty laundry that little basket was holding. Hopefully, it all airs out soon enough, though. Do you have a guess of what might be in Donald’s safe? Put it in the comments!