Area Vegan Caught Paying 18 Dollars For Eggs, Potatoes, Bacon
MARINA DISTRICT, SAN FRANCISCO — Staring down guiltily at his plate, local vegan Thomas Schmidt was recently caught paying 18 dollars for a bougie brunch of eggs, potatoes, and bacon.
Mr. Schmidt, who had vocally professed the need for vegan greek yogurt options in his workplace’s snack fridge, was spotted eating the non-vegan dish by an acquaintance who was on her way to a nearby thrift store. A Halting Problem correspondent confronted him soon after. “It was a momentary lapse of judgement, I swear,” he said while taking a thoughtful sip of his bottomless grapefruit mimosa.
Mr. Schmidt, who stood in line for two and a half hours that morning to enter the brunch venue, explained that Sunday brunch is his “vegan cheat day.”
“I just came out of SoulCycle and I just really wanted something satisfying to eat,” said Mr. Schmidt, who had ordered an overpriced Eggs Benedict with “Lyle Ranch Bacon” and home fries. “I kind of blacked out, and the next thing I knew, I was stuffing my face with a dish I probably could have made at home, but instead had paid 18 bucks for. I mean like, my god, they’re just potatoes! But it’s so good!”
“Do you know how hard it is to be around so many people who say they’re vegan or keto or paleo or whatever?” He poked glumly at his expensive hipster bacon. “People told me that eating animal products was perpetuating the animal genocide. It’s so much pressure living like this, to the point where I don’t feel comfortable telling people that I don’t want to eat a non-lab-grown hamburger. So I became a vegan to fit in.”
However, Mr. Schmidt firmly professed his continued loyalty to his gluten-free lifestyle. “I may be a vegan cheat, but I’m not a monster. Gluten is pure evil.”
