Consortium Of Tech Billionaires Bail Out Kanye West
After an agonizing 24 hours, Kanye West may have found a solution to his dire financial situation. A consortium of tech billionaires has just announced that they will invest a billion dollars to bail him out.
The musician took to Twitter yesterday to confess that he was “53 million dollars in personal debt” and appealed to Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page to “invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas [sic].” Mr. West, who had previously been described by President Obama as a “jackass,” said that he would use the money to fund his dreams of bringing “dope shit to the world.”
A group of fans had begun a Kickstarter to raise the requisite funds for Mr. West when the consortium, known as “Angel Investors For Yeezus,” announced their plans to bail him out. One of the members of the consortium emailed a response to our inquiries from angels4yeezus@gmail.com, saying, “We are proud to help out the most important artist of all time. It’s not like we were going to invest all that money in tech companies or nonprofits or anything.”
“And if there’s anything we can learn from the financial industry, it’s that if you lose hundreds of millions of dollars, you deserve to be bailed out with hundreds of millions more.”
Mr. West is not getting a free lunch, however. The consortium, which includes Marc Benioff, Mark Zuckerberg, and Larry Page, among others, has put preconditions on their intervention. In return for the billion dollars, which could have gone towards providing food, water, and internet for innumerable impoverished people worldwide, Angel Investors For Yeezus has demanded controlling interest in Kanye West. Their proposed “restructuring initiatives” range from shutting down Mr. West’s extraordinarily unprofitable Yeezy fashion line to a blanket ban from interrupting music awards shows or “doing any more stupid shit.”
The angels4yeezus spokesperson dismissed concerns about the size of the bailout being too large, adding, “Kanye’s a more stable investment than some of the startups I’ve seen come through here. He may have his flaws, but we’re confident that he’ll live up to his valuation in the long run.”
