Dolores Park Assault Linked to Vim vs. Emacs Gang War
MISSION DISTRICT, SAN FRANCISCO — The police announced that two people were injured in a violent altercation in Dolores Park yesterday. The incident, which occurred in broad daylight on a Saturday, alarmed many park-goers who were outside enjoying a sunny afternoon.
“There were a few guys strolling by wearing shirts that said ‘vim’ on them,” an eyewitness told Halting Problem. “And another group of bearded dudes sitting by the statue started shouting at the guys walking by. I think it was about people not knowing how to quit out of their text editor or something like that?”
After trading a series of insults, the rival groups of neckbeard programmers fell into a violent altercation. Luckily, a group of nearby police officers were able to quickly break up what SFPD spokesperson Arthi Singh described as a “straight up slapfight, with the squealing and arm flailing and everything… by far the worst I’ve ever seen in my career.”
The two victims, a 29 year old white male sporting a fedora with an emacs logo and a 47 year old white male with pasty skin, were treated at the scene for minor injuries (including a sprained pinky finger) and bruised egos.
“The suspects were affiliated with the vim and emacs programming gangs. The typical weirdos we see hanging around Noisebridge. I would like to remind the city of San Francisco that the SFPD has zero tolerance for programming-related violence,” said Ms. Singh.
“All the men involved in the incident are in custody. Though we’re not exactly sure what to do with them. Is it really that bad to use Sublime?”
As the tech industry continues to boom, the Bay Area has seen a sharp uptick in developer gang violence. Last year, Palo Alto Police responded to a brawl at a local startup initiated over the use of single or double quotation marks. City officials expect violence to continue as the “editor war” between the vim and emacs gangs rages on. Meanwhile, the SFPD has called on the FBI to investigate the Church of Emacs, led by controversial programmer Richard Stallman, for its ties to organized editor crime.
As police officers cleared away yellow tape from the crime scene, a nearby eyewitness sighed and shook his head. “I never knew that editing text could be that controversial. Maybe if those guys were indenting with spaces instead of tabs, all of this could have been avoided.”
