Ex-Google Employee Invests Entire 401k Into Cryptocurrencies
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA — After clicking the “Confirm Transaction” button on his Coinbase account, Eric Hsu leaned back in his chair and cackled in glee. “I’m pretty sure this the best decision I’ve ever made.” he said as he cracked open a can of Pamplemousse LaCroix. “I’m gonna be HELLA RICH!”
Mr. Hsu, a former Google employee, had previously invested his 401k into conventional investment vehicles but recently became excited about owning cryptocurrencies after hearing more about it through his coworkers, the media, and and the story of a man who mortgaged his house to buy Bitcoin. Although many of his coworkers bought or mined Bitcoin in the early days out of ideological reasons or technological interest, Mr. Hsu professed that he knew very little about cryptocurrencies apart from them being “like digital gold that’s really good for buying drugs.”
“All I know is that the price of Bitcoin has been going up and down a lot recently and I want in on it,” he said. “After my coin portfolio rose 20% in a month, I quit my job, took all my money out of my 401k, and sunk it into crypto. I’m daytrading full-time now.”
Cryptocurrencies, known colloquially as “crypto,” are digital currencies that rely on complex math to enable secure transactions. Bitcoin was the first cryptocurrency that rose to prominence, but now a myriad of competing cryptocurrencies have emerged and are drawing increasing attention from investors. YCombinator, a renown startup accelerator in Silicon Valley, reported that its latest W17 class contains at least 5 companies that have pivoted into cryptocurrency hedge funds.
“I made sure that my money was spread between different assets like the FAQ on r/investing recommended,” said Mr. Hsu, whose diversification strategy was about as sophisticated as a 17th century Dutch trader splitting their portfolio across multiple colors of tulips. “Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin, Zcash, Monero, Dogecoin, everything. I’m a professional trader.”
Mr. Hsu is also planning to launch his own coin next year with the help of his nephew, who recently graduated from a coding bootcamp and reportedly knows some Ruby. “MC Hammer has already agreed to endorse it on Twitter when it launches. The tagline is going to be ‘too legit to quit hodling.’ It’s going to be dope.”
