Jeff Bezos Moves To The Moon, Evades Taxes And COVID
SEATTLE, WA — Jeff Bezos has moved from Seattle to a secret base on the moon, an Amazon spokesperson announced. Early yesterday morning, Seattle residents were shocked to see the Space Needle unfold to reveal a hidden rocket that blasted off into the dawn skies. According to the spokesperson, the Amazon founder and CEO lifted off as a passenger on a New Shepard launch vehicle built by Blue Origin, a spaceflight company that he also founded and funded. Mr. Bezos had no immediate plans to return to Earth.
Mr. Bezos is currently living in a luxurious base near the north pole of the moon that spans hundreds of hectares. According to sources close to Mr. Bezos, the lunar complex had been slowly constructed over the last five years as a doomsday shelter in the case of an apocalyptic event such as nuclear war, a global pandemic, or antitrust regulation. The facilities include solar chargers for power, greenhouses for growing organic crops, an observation deck with panoramic views of Earth, and an Olympic-size diving pool filled with international paper currency from countries where Amazon operates (inspired by a similar pool constructed by fellow billionaire Mr. Scrooge McDuck).
Mr. Bezos’s departure is only one of a recent trend of tech luminaries leaving the San Francisco Bay Area to move to areas like Texas, Colorado, and Florida, where real estate is cheaper and there are no personal income taxes. Elon Musk has already announced that he is moving to Austin in large part due to California officials refusing to allow Tesla to reopen their factory during the COVID-19 pandemic.
However, Mr. Bezos’s ambitions for evading taxes far exceeds those of lesser billionaires. It has become apparent that Mr. Bezos’s multibillion dollar investments in Blue Origin were a complicated scheme to escape taxes on his centibillion dollar fortune. As a result, Mr. Bezos has established his residence on the moon, where he cannot be pursued by the IRS or any other Earthly government.
Mr. Bezos intends to stay on the moon for the foreseeable future. He is currently surrounded by heavy security to minimize the chances of COVID-19 infection. His staff has constructed an airtight “quarantine pod” on his moonbase, with multiple tests required to come in contact with the reclusive CEO. Mr. Bezos previously invited fellow billionaire Elon Musk to stay at the moonbase “if he came on his own spaceship,” but withdrew the invitation after Mr. Musk tested positive for COVID-19.
Mr. Bezos has given no public comment since his relocation to the Moon, seemingly busying himself with the day-to-day operations of Amazon and continued construction on his moonbase. However, rumors abound that Mr. Bezos’s newest hobby project is to build a “giant frickin’ laser beam” to dissuade Amazon warehouse workers from striking over the busy holiday season.
