Russian Hacker Takes Control Of Polling Machines With Username “admin” And Password “password”
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — In a long rant conducted on a public Twitch stream yesterday night, Russian hacker Yuri Kuznetsov declared that manipulating American election results was so easy that a child could do it.
“Americans speak of Russia rigging the presidential elections like we’re some elite ultra-hacking group. Pulling out tricks to break into voting machines like George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven,” he said whilst downing a shot of what one could only assume to be vodka. “I wish. My job would be so much more fun. But your voting machines have security so bad, my 5-year-old son suggested that I try guessing the username and password and it worked! On the first try!”
When a watcher on his stream expressed doubts that Mr. Kuznetsov was telling the truth, Mr. Kuznetsov then proceeded to connect to an inexplicably wifi-connected polling machine in Ohio, login with username “admin” and password “password,” and change the number of votes for Donald Trump from 2,000 to 2,147,483,647.
“Let’s see Jill Stein try to recount this!” he remarked. ”But seriously, how could anyone building such an important machine be THAT stupid? My bluetooth toaster oven is more secure!”
When asked about how he would counter election manipulation, Mr. Kuznetsov advised using “common fucking sense,” like not immediately clicking on every single sketchy email attachment that lands in your inbox or not writing down your password on post-it notes.
“But really, those do not address the root problem, which is that America tries to have fair elections,” Mr. Kuznetsov said. “In Russia, we already know the results of the elections before they happen, which is much more secure!”
