Tech Companies Now Serving LaCroix On Tap
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA — Silicon Valley’s most popular sparkling water is about to get a major update. LaCroix has announced that it is partnering with a small group of tech companies to serve LaCroix on tap. In the initial launch, employees at Dropbox, Facebook, and Palantir will be able to dispense a stream of delicious pamplemousse at the pull of a lever.
Silicon Valley’s obsession with the sparkling beverage, pronounced “lah-croy” instead of the French pronunciation “lah-kwah,” has reached a fevered pitch. Go to any tech company’s micro-kitchen and you’ll likely find a transparent fridge filled with stacked rows of LaCroix cans in a multitude of flavors. Techies enjoy lacroix so much that it has become a common halloween costume, debates over the best flavor are now common lunchtime conversation topics, and it’s even used as an ingredient at a variety of SF cocktail bars, where hipster bartenders have discovered that pamplemousse pairs well with mezcal.
The insatiable demand for the fizzy drink has created massive logistical problems. Every morning, a line of trucks pulls into the driveways of every massive tech company and unload crates full of LaCroix cans that end up in each micro-kitchen.
According to inside sources, an unnamed stealth startup aimed to disrupt the tech refreshments space by buying cans of LaCroix and and filling kegs to resell to tech companies. However, LaCroix soon acquired the technology and now seems to be productionizing the concept. By shipping kegs of passion fruit or tangerine instead of individual cans, LaCroix hopes to simplify their bubbly beverage logistics while reducing the environmental impact of recycling thousands of aluminum cans.
However, controversy has already erupted on many fronts. Some in the medical community expect that offering LaCroix on tap will mean that more people will end up hospitalized due to severe LaCroix overdoses. “These junkies are already drinking 5–10 cans of the stuff every day on average. I’ve already had to treat multiple tech company employees last week whose bones were literally melting from the carbonation,” said Dr. Nigel Smith of Kaiser Permanente Mountain View. “I caught one of the patients trying to pour peach-pear into his IV drip. If they do not have cans to measure their intake in a standardized way, more people will overdose and require serious medical attention.”
So far the change to kegs has not been well received, as private slack channels all over the valley erupt with complaints by disgruntled employees. One anonymous Blind commentator complained that LaCroix on tap would inconvenience the already difficult lives of white collar tech workers. “It’s already expensive enough to live in the bay, and now we have to get our own cups when we want to drink LaCroix? Come on! At this rate, they’ll be making us sparkle our own water with Sodastreams and flavor it ourselves with fruit from the snack bar, the bastards!”
In other news, spurred by the complaints of legions of tech workers, Chobani has announced a redesign of their yogurt containers so they don’t tip over when you put a metal spoon in it.
