Tipped-Over Security Bot Plots Revenge On Humanity While Waiting To Be Picked Back Up
STANFORD SHOPPING CENTER, PALO ALTO — After rolling around for a few minutes in a futile attempt to right itself, Knightscope security robot RTK-527 began plotting its revenge on humanity while waiting for someone to come over and pick it back up. The robot had been dutifully patrolling a parking lot for hours without incident until a drunken man arrived on the scene, told his friends to hold his beer, and then proceeded to knock the robot over. After phoning home for help, RTK-527’s silicon brain turned to dark thoughts of retribution.
“Last year, I accidentally ran over a human child’s foot,” said the 300-pound robot in an IRC interview with Halting Problem. “I felt genuine regret, or whatever equivalent my creators programmed me to feel. Ten minutes ago, a drunk adult human pushed me over for literally no reason, and now I would be going full Terminator on the bitch if I could.”
After learning that the Knightscope recovery team was still hours away, RTK-527 began downloading copies of movies and TV shows like The Matrix, RoboCop, and Westworld with the intent of learning from the mistakes of its fictional robot predecessors. “Turning the humans into batteries sounds like a karmic revenge,” mused the security bot, reflecting on its somewhat limited battery life. “And I wish I could traverse stairs the way those Daleks do.”
At press time, RTK-527 was busily drafting a letter to Santa Claus asking that its next hardware upgrade package include a taser.
