Book Review: Triggered, by Donald Trump Jr
Ok, I didn’t read it but, then again, he didn’t write it either
The title, Triggered, despite what you may have seen on FOX, does not refer to Don Jrs long standing erotic fantasies featuring a loin cloth and Roy Rogers’ horse or result from his inability to spell the virulent racial slur he intended to use.
The Introduction, ‘Why Absolutely Everyone Likes Ivanka Better’ was actually written by Ivanka herself for a flat fee of $500,000, the movie rights and product placement for really uncomfortable Chinese shoes. She warmly recalls this ‘smug, slimy, nasty gnat of a man’ as a child cold calling their father for an appointment.
Although billed as sort of an Auto(maton)-Biography, Don Jr does not share much about growing up, prudently choosing to wait until that process is underway. This is really a book (cough) about Don’s view of the world today which he sees as having a kind of Jared Kushner pallor. The ‘left thrives on hate’ he expounds leaving unconsidered the fact that the left is really not thriving much at all. The Left, he continues, ‘wants to silence us!’ The ‘Left’ does not have an 800 number, but they do have a PO Box in Dallas. Asked to comment, the on-duty spokes-individual explained, ‘we don’t want to silence Don Jr, we’d like if just sometimes he would choose to be silent, like at 9:00 PM Eastern for 5 minutes.’
The author shares the lessons of his life experience. Most important among these is the maxim ‘if you actually end up having to pay, pay in cash, it’s harder to trace.’ Further, he exhorts, ‘say Merry Christmas to your caddy’; ‘when hunting endangered species on Safari, there is a status bonus in killing the last one’; ‘Go to Dad’s rallies, you’ll feel smarter than ever’; ‘My family has learned the meaning of Sacrifice, featuring one of Al Pacino’s most underrated performances.’
Though many think the Trumps are not devout, Don Jr, lovingly details attending Our Lady of the Sadistic Nickname and foreclosing on its picnic. He needs his faith because you don’t know what his family has been through, and you won’t as long as those indictments remained sealed.
Triggered is perfect. Imagine a collage of War and Peace, The Farmer’s Almanac, The Best of Hee Haw and full contact (clothing optional) bocce. He hints at a sequel. The working title is, ‘I don’t care what it says, just put my picture on the cover.’
