DENTAL SURGERY: AN ORAL HISTORY
DDS: I have to be honest with you, this is a painful procedure. Do you have
Dental Insurance?
Bill: No, I do not.
DDS: I have to be honest with you, this is a very painful procedure.
Bill: I have given your Office Manager a shoe box stuffed with used, un-
marked, untraceable $100 bills.
DDS: This procedure results in little to no postoperative discomfort.
Do you have any allergies to medication.
Bill: I once went into anaphylactic shock from a placebo.
DDS: Do you find the noise of an unlubricated jack hammer annoying?
Bill: Not as long as fines are doubled for speeders.
DDS: Do you find the odor of scorched goat offensive? We have a Rastafar-
ian Chaplain who brings lunch but can’t cook.
Bill: You have a Rastafarian Chaplain?
DDS: We do, but our Exorcist is Anglican and the Head of our Viscera
Cleanup Detail is Presbyterian.
Bill: You were able to find a Presbyterian Viscera Tech?
DDS: She converted.
Bill: Just to reassure me, these are the same arrangements and procedures
you would follow with your own mother.
DDS: Mom can’t afford me.
Bill: Can I ask about pain management?
DDS: Sure. I appreciate your concern but I won’t feel a thing.
Bill: So, I will feel your pain?
DDS: That depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.
I’d like you to watch this 6 minute video that explains all you need to know
about navigating post operative like a luxury yacht in the Greater Antilles.
(Multimedia extravaganza with Cirque De Soleil, A Tribute to Busby
Berkeley, celebratory testimonials by famous guys without hairpieces, and
a benediction by Tucker Carlson. And all this, interrupted only once for abrief advertisement for overcoming erectile dysfunction with the conclud-
ing side effects read at 3,000 words per minute.)
DDS: So, as you can plainly see, medical science has determined that the three most effective means to control pain in this instance are 1) Holy Wa-
ter with a Twist of Lime, 2) Binge watching CSPAN and 3) a carefully cali-
brated dose of Aspirin, Ibuprofen prescribed with a straight face.
Bill: So, no Opioids are required?
DDS: Required? In fact they are undesirable. They do not control pain. All
they do is put the patient into a blissful state of comfort and relaxationwithout dealing with the chemistry of the pain itself. The OTC combo neu-
tralizes the receptors responsible for activating pain broadcasting in thebrain.
Bill: But, they both wear off.
DDS: Yes, unfortunately they do.
Bill: So, from the POV of the patient it practically makes no difference as to
the directness of the mechanism that prevents excruciating pain.
DDS: But there are studies where patients consistently report better results
from the OTC combo.
Bill: Are any of the reports commensurably comparable with the others?
DDS: No.
Bill: And people believe that crap?
DDS: If I am wearing a lab coat, they do.
Bill: But what if that combo doesn’t work for me?
DDS: Science is not responsible for data points more than 2 standard devia-
tions from the mean. That is the way that is most fair to most people.
Bill: And people believe that crap?
DDS: Most people haven’t the faintest idea of what any of that means and I
pull on my lapels. It helps that they have no choice.
Bill: Does this related in any way to the tragic farce known as control of the
Opioid Crisis?
DDS: Certainly not, particularly because it is regular practice of non expert
public policy to feign the competence to reign in a situation out of control
by increasing control over just those who were already controlled. PSA
help.
Bill: I heard something about holding a bag of frozen peas against your
face.
DDS: Oh that, we used to have a side deal with Birdseye, but it expired.
Bill: Will I be able to eat after the surgery.
DDS: Trust me, for the first 72 hours you won’t even think about food. Af-
ter that, you can’t chew. So, insofar as eating and chewing are related,nothing will be possible. You have a handout with a list of soft foods.
Bill: People really need advice as to what foods are soft?
DDS: Keep in mind these are the same people we have recently convinced
that sprinkling powdered baby aspirin on a burn victim means — goes home
same day.
Bill: Is that why the print is 50 times larger than it is on the consent form?
DDS: That is to conserve paper.
Bill: So what I can eat without chewing.
DDS: If you are Paleo, Nutritionists recommend sucking gently on a twig
two or three times a day. Protein can be ingested by inhaling polluted air
through a strainer. Mashed is always good and finely crushed gravel aids
in digestion.
Bill: Is there anything else I need to pay attention to.
DDS: No, just relax and any further information you may need will be
broadcast through your implants.
