REAL VIKING RIVER CRUISES
Published in
3 min readJan 13, 2019
Fed up with the Public Television, glossy brochure, goose liver pate pitch that has you drifting affluently past castles on the Rhine and Chateaux along the Loire…
Screw the Louvre, burn down a Convent.
Did you know the proper way to torch a convent is to set fire to the roof first?
You would if you attended our free Orientation/Motivational Speaker/Timeshare Sales event held in conjunction with our sister tour, The Donner Party Reenactors. Refreshments.
Get your Viking Name. Spoiler: It’s gonna be Gort.
Join up to 200 fellow dude ranch Vikings to pillage, maraud, sack, vandalize, loot and desecrate Visigothic Revival Mud Huts. Lop off a limb or two. Bludgeon. Cackle demonically at the screams of terrified peasants. Do what thou wilt with farm animals shall be the whole of the law..
Except we strictly adhere to all Norse open container ordinances.
This is completely authentic Viking Era dingy that will be your outdoor, all-weather home until you are thrown overboard following a raucus round of our own drinking game, Count Your Teeth.
This is Gort, your Cruise Director.
Our galley, which doubles as a Meth Lab between voyages, hosts many spectacular grease fires and received a score of 6 on the Norse Board of Health’s last inspection. The Board also recognized our galley as, most improved.
Time permitting, we will visit the remains of a Pre-Columbian Viking Settlement in what, today, is the middle of nowhere. The nearest Dollar General is somewhere on Labrador
Real Viking River Cruises is a subsidiary of the Entertainment Division of Pajamagram International, LLC.
