Trump 2020 Scraps Narcissism, Will Go With Persecution Complex
Evangelicals Find Theme Vaguely Familiar
Way Over The Top Secret: Super Secure Server Only, No NSC Staff, No Phone Calls, Required Memo to File Reporting I Never Asked You to Do This, Pre-Treated to repel Whistleblower Cooties (the big kind), Non-Recusable, Magic Decoder Ring Mandatory, Giuliani only if he starts whining again, Saudi Royal Family, Netanyahu Defense Fund, Kushner (real faint mimeographed 4th generation copy of copy), Tweet one to Bill Barr, Doctor Tucker Carlson, Prof. Hannity, Susan Collins (but soften the stuff that’s worrisome, concerning, troubling, inappropriate, or regretful).
Our 2020 Campaign theme will no longer be, narcissism. Putin doesn’t like it. Thinks it’s too easy to trace back to the Ukraine. Doesn’t mean I don’t love myself red, red rose-ish; indeed let me count the ways (up to 7, anyway). We’re spinning it. We’re spinning it like a drunken dreidel at Kushner’s Basement Cash Bar on Hannukah.
Big Opening. Mitt Romney is going to kneel in the snow and beg my forgiveness. Bill Weld will apologize and admit he’s envious because I’m smarter than he is. Stormy and what’s-her-name, the other one, are going to refund the payoffs with interest. Ruth Bader Ginsburg will resign after confessing she killed Antonin Scalia with a wrench in the conservatory. God will heal my bone spurs.
At those debates, I will immediately inform the moderators that they are not good enough to be asking me questions. The natural order of things is that I should be asking all the questions. That way all the really impossible questions like, ‘Where’s Georgia on this map’, I can deflect and just talk about how well I know my many friends in Mylanta and ask why I’ve never been invited to Augusta National. After all, I’m white and can fake a variety of accents native to the United Kingdom.
First rally after Labor Day, Mel Gibson is going to drench my torn cassock in Adam Schiff’s blood and suspend me from a cross which is actually going to have to be an industrial crane like the one they used to build the Pyramids. When I’m at maximum hoist, a Children’s Choir from Mexico City will perform “Willie and the Hand Jive” with appropriate choreography by Karen Pence.
With that momentum, Jeff Bezos will announce that Amazon is providing all the small kitchen appliances at my future Presidential Library in two days at no additional cost. On the eve of the election, Abraham Lincoln will return from the dead for a joint appearance and help me with the Black vote.
I will be reelected. Ironically, my margin of victory will include the votes of 20 million illegal immigrants from shithole countries, even including Massachusetts.
