Trump Commutes Sentence Structure

Hopes to phase out reading by 2030 and writing by 2050

Putting the ‘rant’ in Tyrant since 2016

By Executive Order of the President of the United States of America

Re: Commutation of Sentence Structure in Everyday American

Many many people. People from over actually. Some have called me. Some just walked up and said it to me. Could you please, Mr. President, do something. Not necessarily something awful. But something. Something effective that would finally get that subject-predicate whatever nonsense off my back. Well, I sought my own advice. As I often do. Because I give the best advice. No one. Not anyone knows more about this kind stuff than I do. Even those who know what the word means have no advantage over me. None. Never had. Never will. I’m beautiful with all of it. Just perfect. Beautiful. The best. Ask me about grammar. I know things about grammar that even people who punctuate for a living know. And something, something must be terribly distorted and ugly if Don Junior can write a book. That cannot happen again.

So now, let it be forever inscribed in big slashing Black Sharpie and alongside crudely doctored Weather Maps, as necessary, what I’m calling, and people will probably call it that, or make it shorter if that’s easier, ask their friends about it, explain it their kids, like people do: Abolition of the Syntax.

1. Parts of speech? Too complicated. Unnecessary. Gone. All we need is declarative, exclamatory, derogatory and, certainly, the rhetorical question. How else would I explain myself to you?
2. People don’t like admitting they make stuff up. Now they won’t have to worry. If you say it, it’s true.
3. No more of those snooty MSNBC dead-and-good-riddance phrases in Latin. Especially those than can get you indicted.
4. Periods? Only if vocalized,period.
5. And bye-bye Crooked Comma.
6. Body Language Interpreters for the Deaf will be found other employment and that will be paid for by Blind people.
7. There will be a use tax on Scrabble and more Qs will be added. Anonymously.
8. Doubled-downed negatives. The people have spoken. America will never be a single negative country.
9. Infinitives will be split along party lines.
10. Impromptu spelling will be a sign of stable genius.
11. Adverbs that are also adjectives will be quarantined until a cure is found.
12. We will set off the less frequently used prepositions and have them fracked.

Language. Speaking. Talking. All the same thing. Doesn’t matter what you call it. Only serves one purpose. Just one: To be easily misunderstood in a way that can be easily papered over by junior staff whom I will then fire.

The President